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Just read the new stuff. Love that the Eris-Orcus bit was worked in. How much is left in this book?
I’ll do a second pass to review some bits before I post chapter-by-chapter bits, but I like where this is going plot-wise. Downside is that the pacing is not faster than before and the tension is more-or-less spiking in a few key moments rather than building up and sustaining. I’m not feeling the tension.
BTW, is Astlan supposed to a backwater compared to the rest of the localverse? I’m getting that impression.
Edit: Regarding the pacing, it is a really hard to judge but it looks like stuff needs to be removed / shortened to help build tension. Scenes converted to an expository dialogue. Some of this stuff may be better in Astlan Into the Wilds. Only, can’t tell without seeing the rest.
For example, the whole Czernobog von Smerti and his dhampyr son can be cut given the current story. I’ve yet to see it’s relevance. At best it explains why this vampyr’s agent in the Citadel intitiates sabotage, but that could as easily be explained after it happens as “agent was corrupted” rendering the this whole backstory as nothing but unnecessary filler.
A web version eh? It’s called google docs with privacy settings. You can pull our emails for our forum accounts and grant access.
Right now the order is Tom -> Hilda (discussing Treg) -> Tom -> Vaselle (w/ Treg) -> Tom -> Vaselle (w/ Treg)
The Tierhallon section comes between two Mount Doom sections. It seems it would flow better if it came after.
Also, what is the punch in this chapter? Maybe the whole Vasella bit could be one section and end the chapter the threat to release the Titans if people don’t start paying up.
Imagine this chapter is a TV scene between commercial breaks. We’ve a basically 3 POV jumping back and forth, but you want to ramp things up and the Titan threat is a key threat for this plot.
Exador said he always had an Abyssal Switch / Swap ready in case Unlife ever turned on him. Then he goes ahead and uses to it to bring the Unlife to the Abyss.
What?
When Exador said he had an Abyssal Switch / Swap on standby it was implied something bad would happen back in Chapter 140.
[quote]
“You have to admit they have very impressive logistics.” Ramses said to Exador who was sitting beside him on their private flying carpet. They were returning to the tower where work on the Dark Apostle’s lore was being conducted. This morning they had received a tour of the Storm Lords preparations.“I grant you. It’s no Abyssal Swap, but…” Exador said.
“You do know what would happen to their army if you did an Abyssal Swap on it? Yes?” Ramses asked with a chuckle.
“I certainly do; which is why I always keep one ready to go in the event of an out of control undead army.” Exador said chuckling as well.
[/quote]Edit: It is also revealed (thought it could be a lie) that bringing a ghoul to the Abyss sort of cures them.
So, did all of the liches get cured? Did the entire army turn back to humans, orcs, alvar, etc?
[quote=The Author Guy;5286]
1) Sammael basically needs to find them when/while, they are parked, if he literally chases them around the Abyss, that’s awkward.
[/quote]
Who says he has to meet them after they arrive? What if he seems them after they start searching? In book 3 they meet simply because the Inferno stumbles over him. So in book 4 have it stumble over him elsewhere.[quote=The Author Guy;5286]
2) Tom can’t be home when the Inferno shows up at Doom.
[/quote]
So he is rebuilding on Astlan dealing with the coming war with the alvar or at another Doomalogue getting things setup.[quote=The Author Guy;5286]
But…on the other hand…I do sort of want the reader to know what the status of Melissance is when Talarius vows to get her.
[/quote]
Make final cliffhanger scene a homey scene w/ Melissance and her husband. Change it so she knows that their new castle is a lure for Talarius and have her be glad that she’ll get her revenge on being adanboned despite how it gave her a better life and a loving family. Have her be a bit “corrupted”, but not evil. Sort of scorning Talarius by planning to throw her happy demon family/life at Talarius knowing her husband can beat him up should he try to kill her. A odd twist on Stockholm syndrome + revenge fantasy on her part.That’d be a great emotional punch to reader. Either to open Book 4 or to end Book 3 after Talarius vows to rescue Melissance.
[quote=The Author Guy;5286]
Also, I point out that the knights on the Inferno are coming to the same conclusion that Talarius had that their previous reactions make no sense because EM is no longer a bad influenceI’m sort of afraid that by putting the Knights recognition of this into the next book it sort of dilutes–strings out–this recognition of evil influence.
[/quote]
So don’t have them recognize this. Let’s rework the emotional rollercoaster and how the plot should play out if we move to book 4. What would it look like? We don’t want to retread it, so if we didn’t have in book 3 and we omit in book 4 what would the scenes be like?Assuming this isn’t spoiler or future book territory, but could a demon be bound to a mana-rich material plane instead of the Abyss? What exactly is the planar binding anyways?
One of the problems with Tom is that he is only reactive. Story-wise if a problem occurs then someone brings it to his attention and then he gives the order to resolve it. Of course, he was like this Book 1 & 2 so it is nothing new.
For example, he is told about the Doomalogues and approves the opening of the rest. However, he has yet (and really the timeline is too short) to establish an overall strategy, goals, or even objectives for Doompire beyond vague promises of making those that betrayed them pay (sort of). This is going to bite him very very soon.
He really needs to be more proactive or he is going to fade and become the NPC giving quests to the heroes. Okay, crappy analogy, but still.
Wasn’t there mention of a monkey with the demon weed dealer on Earth? And yes, I recognized the description of the monk as it screamed Monkey King aka Journey to the West.
If all the shamans had been summoned then who passed on the orc’s version of the shamanic tradition?
[quote=The Author Guy;5593]I’m just not sure I want to do the Vaselle Teragdor conversation at this point because I am afraid it would get lost in the battle, meaning not as appreciated by everyone, myself included.[/quote]
The pacing is good. Don’t add anything. Word tweak sure, but you have a good set of progress and reversals going.
[quote]
A Knight Magus of the El Ohîm? Tiernon closed his eyes. So Orcus had involved the Tribunal, [color=red]this was not good he did need their interference.[/color]
[/quote]Awkward phrasing. Not just the missing “did [color=red]not[/color] need”.
Why doesn’t he need their interference? Perhaps why he is frustrated can be worked into the sentence to make it flow smoother? Or just put a period after “So Orcus had involved the Tribunal.” and then rework the rest of the text following that.
—
shook his head, better the threats you knew, [color=red]then[/color] the ones you did not. –> [color=red]than[/color]
—
It was just not in the archon’s nature, or so Beragamos had [color=red]though[/color]. –> [color=red]thought[/color]
Beta 1
[u]He really hoped he hadn’t sent the poor guy to his death.[/u] That was probably the main reason for his anxiety this morning. Being honest, he had a good idea how many demons there were and what a big place the Abyss was, there was no realistic way Estrebrius could have found the demon, nor that it would have agreed to meet him. Yet, while it was unlikely that Estrebrius would even locate the powerful demon lord, [u]he couldn’t resist a nagging guilt that he might have sent the demon to his death.[/u]
Underlined sections are redundant. Perhaps a reword?
Also, when he thinks “poor guy”, it feels that Vaselle sees him as non-demon. Perhaps calling Estrebrius “the poor fiend”? It helps to set the feelings the Vaselle has for a spawn of the Abyss.
