Alpha 3: Final Alpha Released
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Just read the new stuff. Love that the Eris-Orcus bit was worked in. How much is left in this book?
I’ll do a second pass to review some bits before I post chapter-by-chapter bits, but I like where this is going plot-wise. Downside is that the pacing is not faster than before and the tension is more-or-less spiking in a few key moments rather than building up and sustaining. I’m not feeling the tension.
BTW, is Astlan supposed to a backwater compared to the rest of the localverse? I’m getting that impression.
Edit: Regarding the pacing, it is a really hard to judge but it looks like stuff needs to be removed / shortened to help build tension. Scenes converted to an expository dialogue. Some of this stuff may be better in Astlan Into the Wilds. Only, can’t tell without seeing the rest.
For example, the whole Czernobog von Smerti and his dhampyr son can be cut given the current story. I’ve yet to see it’s relevance. At best it explains why this vampyr’s agent in the Citadel intitiates sabotage, but that could as easily be explained after it happens as “agent was corrupted” rendering the this whole backstory as nothing but unnecessary filler.
[quote=GameGraphix;4781]Just finished reading the new stuff.
Main issue that I have is that with all the running around that Talarius has done finding out the real info about demon creation and Tom’s creation / background…..he didn’t once question Rupert being Tom’s son…..I though that would have been one of the inconsistencies with Tom’s story that he would have focused on – with the view of trying to catch someone in a lie.[/quote]
Reworked/inserted discussion with Tom in his bedroom in the morning.
[quote]“You expect me to believe, that an untrained sixteen-year-old boy was turned into a greater demon, in some manner similar to the D’Orcing; in strange world simply proceeded to foil the plots of his wizard master and group of archdemons, luring both the Rod and Oorstemoth hundreds of leagues to Freehold.” Talarius stated more than asked.
Tom said nothing. What could he say.
“That this sixteen-year-old, newly arrived, greater demon beat me in combat that was rigged in my favor, stole mana from my god, reversed a very powerful artifact and abducted me?” Talarius semi-asked.
“Yes.” Tom said tiredly. “We have both been together for everything else, so you do not have to repeat our shared history. I agree to it all.”[color=blue]Talarius shifted in his seat. It would be nice if I could see his expression. Tom thought, that helmet made conversation quite awkward.
“So explain how a sixteen-year-old, who has only been a demon for a few quarter months has a ten or twelve-year-old son?” Talarius demanded.
Tom sighed. “That is a mystery to me as well.” Tom gave the knight a weak grin. “When Lenamare first summoned me, Rupert was a student, an orphaned student at his school. He knew his father was a powerful demon, for whatever reason, he decided that I was his father come to reclaim him.”
Tom shook his head, shifting uncomfortably. “In the battle with Oorstemoth, on the ship, he was badly wounded, we thought dead. However, I took him to my quarters where he regenerated into his demon form for the first time, and he looked like a small version of me. He told me his story about being an orphaned half demon and how happy he was that I, his father, had come for him.”
Tom rubbed the bridge of his nose. “By that point we were so close that I didn’t have the heart, to break his heart. My plan was to give him some time, distance from his pain, and eventually explain things to him.” Tom closed his eyes for a moment, before reopening them. “But, unfortunately, the longer a lie goes on, the harder it is to break it. I just keep putting the discussion I do not want to have, off.”
Talarius shook his helmeted head, and was silent for some time before finally speaking. “I am to believe all of this?” Talarius asked tiredly.
Tom shook his head. “Talarius, if I were the super manipulative demon prince that you think I am, and I were lying to you; would I make up something so insanely unbelievable?” [/color]“Be quite!” Talarius suddenly shouted staring down at his sword. Apparently the two could communicate telepathically.
Talarius turned back to face Tom, he then rose from his chair. “I am going to get some fresh air, clear my thoughts.” The knight turned on his heel and proceeded to leave the suite.
Tom hadn’t even made it out of his suite yet this morning, and already it felt like a very long day.
[/quote]Just finished reading the new stuff.
Main issue that I have is that with all the running around that Talarius has done finding out the real info about demon creation and Tom’s creation / background…..he didn’t once question Rupert being Tom’s son…..I though that would have been one of the inconsistencies with Tom’s story that he would have focused on – with the view of trying to catch someone in a lie.
I think the point about Talarion is that the moment he is already fairly demoralized, anything more and I suspect that you might want to leave a catatonic Paladin quietly in the corner talking to himself.
Honestly, right now it reads like you just want to keep screwing him over with the Nature of Demons. Give him a little room, let him pull himself together a bit, and then strike. Think of fishing. If you hook a marlin you don’t just keep reeling it in, you try to wear it out, by sometimes letting the line out, sometimes reeling the line in. You are interested in the long game, you want to tire the fish out.
I’ll be honest, I’ve read your 3 books like 9 or 10 times, and I had no clue that Tom was related to Tiernon. The reveal was almost whoa… jump the shark much. I mean I could see if Tizzy said Tom I’m your father, that I halfway expected. But this. Way too much way too soon.
Hi,
OK, so I have put Alpha 3 out there.
It has grown about 33,000 or so words since Alpha 2 and some very big stuff is happening, questions will be…convoluted….
[i][b]Next stop, hopefully next Friday is Beta 1.[/b][/i]
So how to know what’s new.
Epub–hard to tell given formatting constraints. I would read from 139 on to be mostly safe.
That being said, there are updates to Torean and Tiernon conversations. There are updates to Talarius and Stainsberry at the D’Orcing. Not huge, but setting stuff up.
There are 2 pdf’s. One is DOA_AOD_A3vsA2.pdf. This is a diff document that shows all markup throughout the book, plus comments.
There are some old comments stuck in there, but biggest part is new comments that say updated after alpha 1 or 2 (and I meant 2, but forgot which we were on) so that’s updated. Search on “commented”
However, you can see marked up text in blue where ever something is different from Alpha 2.
Now, in the regular PDF–the page numbering will be off.
This is because I have included the scene headings in the TOC and ones that have changes are in Bold and in the text, they are bold and red.
The exception to this is the sections starting in 141 I don’t mark that, but it’s obviously new.
General thoughts.
OK we are getting to the true meat/tension of the story now. Big stuff is happening.
This is first pass, I think there are a lot of awkward sentences that could use some reworking to flow better. Please advise on stuff you think is really awkward and give me some recommendations on alternatives.
i’m also not sure I am quite getting all the “Panic” that should be setting in. Suggestions for ramping this up are good.
Thanks
T-A-G
Just finished read the new stuff going to go over again tomorrow but liking what I’ve read especially the whole wedding scene.
[quote=Iume;4780]Just read the new stuff. Love that the Eris-Orcus bit was worked in. How much is left in this book?
I’ll do a second pass to review some bits before I post chapter-by-chapter bits, but I like where this is going plot-wise. Downside is that the pacing is not faster than before and the tension is more-or-less spiking in a few key moments rather than building up and sustaining. I’m not feeling the tension.
[/quote]
Agreed on the pacing.[quote=Iume;4780]
BTW, is Astlan supposed to a backwater compared to the rest of the localverse? I’m getting that impression.
[/quote]
Not really, as far as demons go, it’s probably the most advanced.Nysegard is more of a backwater thanks to it’s eternal warfare, at least from a “business/society” point of view.
[quote=Iume;4780]
Edit: Regarding the pacing, it is a really hard to judge but it looks like stuff needs to be removed / shortened to help build tension. Scenes converted to an expository dialogue. Some of this stuff may be better in Astlan Into the Wilds. Only, can’t tell without seeing the rest.
[/quote]
Yeah, but Wilds won’t get to this until much later. First book there takes place in “the Wilds” south of New Etonia. Lots of orcs, Iiskatha, pterodons and some gardening, but crossover with first CoW is still small.[quote=Iume;4780]
For example, the whole Czernobog von Smerti and his dhampyr son can be cut given the current story. I’ve yet to see it’s relevance. At best it explains why this vampyr’s agent in the Citadel intitiates sabotage, but that could as easily be explained after it happens as “agent was corrupted” rendering the this whole backstory as nothing but unnecessary filler.[/quote]No, not really. I need him to be in prison during the battle, he (Rede) has a big scene coming up, and you have to know who he is, and who is father is for future books, and this is where he enters the story. I know he seems to pop up late, but…the arc gets bigger in later books.
Hmm so maybe cut some of Rede’s dialogue (also including Hilda and company talking about it) while keeping in the big bomb aka who his father is.
PDF Rendering was what I was complaining about earlier last night. The first couple attempts were at “web quality” and I finally went to “Print Quality” which sent the size through the roof due to font embedding…I think that was what it was doing at least.
This is the MS Word creator because it’s had the best luck of creating the bookmarks,
What platform are you viewing it on?
Going over all of these in a first pass.
This is all exactly the stuff I’ve worried about.
As far as the invasion, yes, I am going to go back and move the invasion up, the problem is the timing of letting people know what’s going on etc. But I was thinking of that in bed. Storm Lords need to move quickly, perhaps test the water to make sure it’s working, but then start the invasion.
Yes, wondered about the step brother reveal being too much. Want to discuss this in more detail as to whether it should be removed or what. It’s easy enough to remove that scene or push it back to a later point, say Book 4.
One thing about having it now with Talarius is to see his world view destroyed/broken even more. Suddenly his god up in heaven is the step brother of this Edwyrd guy who’s just a normal “Joe”
It should be extremely demoralizing to him, I would expect.
Yes, need to add in some Rupert questioning by Tiernon. Great point.
As far as having the vision, part of that is to add paranoia to Tom & the D’Orcs so they don’t go charging in blindly. They’ve lost this battle once before, the stakes are much higher. How do D’Orcs who are killed return to the Abyss?
These are all answers they need to deal with, thus the vision.
Have you thought of visions? Maybe not Tom have the vision but everybody on Neigurd or in Mount
Doom of Orcus being cut off and maybe another hinting at the relationship. Mix it in with the Avatars being cut off parallell it like a flash back so that as the avatars of Tirenon get cut off Tom and co relive Ocus being cut off? Maybe start the invasion as soon as they are cut off since frankly it seems like it is a major demoralizing factor and why give your enemy time to maybe counter it?
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