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[quote]“This is very inconvenient.” Exador complained as they sat around a smaller table in a smaller, cozier chamber of Ramses’ palace. One of the servants had brought them cups of Denubian Choco-Coffee TM, [color=green]the extremely caffeinated beverage with a great mocha taste at 132 degrees centigrade. Among other affects, it was quite intoxicating to demons. Completely lethal to humans, even if served chilled, meaning any temperature below the boiling point of water. [/color][/quote]
Constant repetition of information is tedious.Dialogue here is a bit awkward. Mostly in the form of “as you know, Bob” dialogue. Like this one:
[quote]“Or when you kidnap one of their highest ranking, most ‘Graced’ agents on the plane and haul him off to the Abyss?” Bess asked.[/quote][quote]“What a hellish disaster!” Jenn exclaimed as she walked around the palace with Maelen and Gastropé. “Did no one think through the consequences of this? You’ve got hundreds of demons trapped in a palace, many with no way out, [color=green]and you cast the most powerful banishment spell anyone has ever used?[/color] Wouldn’t you think to open the doors and windows?”[/quote]
Did Jenn just said that? It sounda so out of character. She might as well kiss Lenamare.[quote]Jenn glared at him, “You know that icicle doesn’t count. She’s got more [color=green]testosterone[/color] than most of the men I know.” Gastropé glared at her. “Yes, that includes you.” Jenn snapped and then suddenly realized what she was saying and softened. “I’m sorry, I’m just frustrated.” She grabbed his forearm and gave it a squeeze before releasing it.[/quote]
This word is quite modern. Even the word Hormone is modern. Using this expression just sound out of place (time?) for this quite medievalistic world. This is just overzealousness on my part. Ignore if neccessary.Hmm… So it was Exador’s order? I was never really able to connect the two. Thought it was random.
I think you need to connect the two scenes more:
-maybe you could try to actually bring the ice dragons here. Make Exador name them. That way the connection is more obvious.
-Shorten the distance between this scene and the fighting scene. As it was, there are just too much stuff between the two. When it came to the fight scene, this scene is forgoten.
-you could also try to just make the dragon attact unrelated to Exador, maybe just make it plain random, then you don’t have to have this scene. It would save some space.
No. I did not assume that the shadow demon was a major character, it is just you made it so interesting being a greater shadow and with Ramses being so interested; I, a reader, just become interested with the demon as well. My interest creates expectations: that I will see it again, that it uses its uniquness as a greater shadow in some way… none of which come to pass.
I suggest that you make this demon flat and uninteresting. Maybe, just make it a plain shadow demon. If it is not to appear again anyway, better make it forgetable.
I don’t mean that you had to get rid of this character, just make it low key. For all intents, even if it reappear, this demon is a very minor character. It is not neccessary for it to be interesting nor does it need to. As I said, all the interest in it creates some big expectations that just would not be rewarded. Why set up something that will just disappoint the readers?
It is actually an empathy scene but those stuff is so unrelated to the current situation that I just gloss over it. Maybe you could bring some of these things up in scenes where they would have more weight.
No, not a restart, but a refinement; especially a drastic slim down.
Those comments about not adding to the story (which I am one) has truth. Its not that those story threads has no importance to the whole, it is just that there is just a lot of details in them that is just not worth knowing about and that we will soon forgot anyway. The roller coaster ride is the biggest sinner (though the whole journey is full of such stuff). The detailed sequence was just seems so inconsequential. Why is it there? Do the detail of the ride really has an impact to the story? Is not knowing about it makes the whole story illegible?
I actually think the the whole treck could just be summarized in a paragraph, or two… or three… and nothing much would be lost. You could also then focus on their thoughts and reaction of the journey which would have been far more interesting than actually experiencing the whole journey yourself.
Song of Ice and Fire is more of a political drama than adventure. A large cast is quite necessary to portray the complexity of the drama. After all, what is a political drama that just have 4 characters? A lame one. The more the merrier they say.
Yours is more of an adventure… so far. Political drama seems to be coming. Adventures seems to suffer when it has a large cast of characters. I had come upon adventure books with lots of characters. Often times the adventure part is soon forgoten and instead it will be laden with melodrama, convoluted events and cliche romance, adventure be damned.
Still, I have to see the whole of the story to really made a solid conclusion. There might actually be a bombshell in the future that all this things converges to.
Unnecessary scene.
This scene gives us information that would just be repeated later. It just wastes space.
It also introduces a character that we will never meet again. It creates an expectation that ultimately will not be rewarded.
First six paragraphs is info dump.
[quote]“Could things get worse?” Gastropé muttered to himself, right before a knock came at his door. [color=red]Gastroé[/color] shook his head and called out, “Come in!”[/quote]
Misspelling
[quote]Trevin blinked and shook her head, looking him in the eyes again. “Uhm, no, afraid I didn’t. I was just noticing the [color=red]binding spell[/color] you had extending off into the nether regions and into the Abyss. Very skillfully crafted, I must say. I can honestly say, I am impressed.” She grinned at him.[/quote]
I think you might mean a link. I can’t really vission a spell extending to the nether regions.
[quote]Gastropé shook his head slightly as if to clear it. He quickly spoke the words necessary to invoke his wizard [color=red]site[/color] and stared down to his chest. He had to focus it a bit, but the Enchantress had been right! There was some sort of link spell emanating from his chest and extending off into the aether.[/quote]
Sight?
Also, I think you should cut this scene off and just use flashbacks and reference when he discuss the link with Jenn. This scene essentially just put the link into Gastrope’s attention. That is just too small a matter to dedicate a scene for it.
My impression is still generally the same. While there was some excitement and interest created by the fight with the dragons and the inclusion of Ruiden; it is still the same tiresome, overstuffed, fragmentary piece as beta 1.
Some thoughts:
-The fight with the ice dragons is a great addition. We are told what the Nimbus and the carpets are but seeing them in action really drives the point.
-While Ruiden becoming a golem is interesting, what Ruiden did are just a repetitious: appear to some person/people, person/people surprised/intrigued, Ruiden interviewing them, then Ruiden leaving. He did nothing exciting until he face off Exador. Adding its plain robotic character and bland dialogue, Ruiden ultimately add nothing but shock value.
Well, I notice that too but I chalk it up to Tom being too busy with the d’Orcs.
Female for later events… what are you implying? Is it…
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There are a lot of other things I would like to talk about but isn’t I’ll wait for beta 2 and see if they persist.
Well… I do want to talk about one. There is a lack of Tom/Rupert moments for me. They are father/son (sort of) but that relationship isn’t given much attention. It was one of my favorite element in book 1. I want more.
Well, there are already dozens, if not hundreds, of characters clamoring for attention. So much in fact that most characters barely registers. G&G Unicorn riders? The Egyptian Gods? The Grove residents? Can’t recall much about them the first time I read them and that when I was reading slowly because I’m paying much attention as a Beta reader.
The D’Orcs… I fear that is something not so good.
As for J&G, whatever your plan for the future was, at the present, it is one big snoozefest. As for perception (secondary, primary), that much depends on the reader, doesn’t it? Since what is presented is just them doing much of nothing, thinking of them as primary characters is really remote. Also we can’t really see the longer story since we can’t really just see it.
Though, you might really need a larger format, you can start by cutting of things. Really, reading about each and every turn of the rollercoaster, every step they take on Nimbus, and other such pointless stuff is such a test in patience and fortitude.
You worry about the short format making a lot of stuff irrelevant to the whole but I can’t see much difference with this longer format when the exact same thing happens. A lot of stuff of stuff is irrelevant. This might be a problem of timing. It is not about what information was presented but when they are presented. It might be that you are introducing characters and new information too early for them to be relevant.
I just really hope that you can straighten things out.
Yes, a lot of people is after him and he has a direct connection to Tom. Not to mention he knows Tom’s name. The circumstances makes Lenamare vital in resolving the situation. He should be targeted by everybody (and every demon); but no, almost no one seems to remember him.
Still, even if there was doubts, Lenamare still provide the most direct connection to Tom. Tom’s name is a big asset in the first place. The Avatars of Tiernon for example could forcefully summon Tom and eliminate him. The other demons could use it as leverage. etc.
It would seem that the others have a plot induced blindness to this.
I think you should provide a clear reason why the others (wizards, gods, demons) didn’t seem to consider him to their plans, research, etc.
