Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hmmm… I’m interested in #8 and #13
Looking at the list… no match. The best fit is ‘Agent of Chaos’ but it is off. Oh well.
Well, I think that the next book would have those chaos knights put into the mix so the better titles I come up with are:
-Into Chaos
-Chaos in the Abyss/Abyss in Chaos
-Chaotic Reign
-Chaotic Dealings
Also because it seems that things would go bang:
-Infernal Confrontation/Infernal Upheaval
Hmmm… ‘Apostles of Doom’ does not sound right to me because I think book 3 would not be about them.
@The Author Guy:
Well, hope you won’t have another Jess and Gastrope multipage boring travelogue again. Please, no more.
It also seems that you had big plans for Book 3 so it would be good right? Hope you do not succumb to sequelitis.
@EyeDeKay
Alliteration in titles have an added appeal but do not force it though.
it is also difficult make them without being nonsensical.
Also, nothing is wrong with non-alliterating titles.
By the way, the delete button beside the edit button is what you are looking for?
[quote=The Author Guy;2659]1) Do we agree that getting rid of the beta 1&2 not-battle with the demons is good?Or do people think keeping that “integration” was better.[/quote]
Agree.
[quote=The Author Guy;2659]2) Can the KoC battle be pushed to book 3?If not, I am thinking the publication will have to shift by another month.(not opposed)[/quote]
Of course it can be pushed to book 3 but I think it is better if it is included in Book 2. The problem is that Book 2, as of now, is that it doesn’t have anything solid to offer. It has potentials and concepts that remains insubstantial. The fight would at least put many of them on action and bring those concepts to life.
[quote=The Author Guy;2659]3) If we push KoC battle to book 3, I am concerned about the following
A)I don’t want KoC to be too much of a “tack on” in terms of feeling.i.e. annoying
B)On the other hand I don’t want to give too much away about the KoC, because that could “deintensify” things.
->So I need to balance that:How much more build up/background do I need for the KoC stuff not to seem like an “annoyance”[/quote]
A) It is annoying, as of now. Not only was a possibly most interesting thing in the entire book cut off… who the heck are they in the first place? They came out of nowhere. It really feels manipulative.B) I don’t really understand how withholding information could ‘intensify’ things, or giving important info ‘deintensify’ it. This is not a mystery book where the unknown, the mystery, drives the story forward. In fact, on those stories, information revealed makes the stakes go higher, and the tension more stronger. Also, I really feel that withholding info about them is just cheap.
———
By the way. Why did you use the term Knight? Do they have rules, ideals, and such? Rulers? Organization? Monarchy? Nobility?
If that is the case, not mentioning the KoC would be better… I think. If they won’t appear in the next book, then hints, rather than outright inclussion would work much better. But, then, it results to a rather dull book 2. If, that happens though, I would like it if you make book 2 be much shorter. In my mind, if this rather dull stuff has to pass, then make it as short as possible. Brevity would be its saving grace.
If I may suggest:
> Some of the D’Orcs POV could be removed. Many of them just makes the book thicker than it should be. One or two D’Orc’s POV is enough.
> Ruperts’ ‘adventure’ could also be removed and is instead be recounted by others, especially Tom. That way, we would know that Rupert is practicing his shapeshifting skills without really assigning several scenes to it… and thus less verbiage.
> Of course, Jenn and Gastrope’s treck, I feel that it could be quartered in length without much loss. The whole elevator, rollercoaster and sun bridge thing could be abridged in a just a few paragraphs and we would not miss it at all. There is also an earlier scenes where they walk allover the castle just to start their travel, that part could be axed out. While it gives us more details about the Castle, it is just not important.
> Vaselle’s POV could also be cut out, if you can’t downright remove him altogether. While he is an interesting character in a very interesting situation, knowing much about him now is pointless since he is just someone who do the shopping. You could just put him in the background at the moment and draw him out when he become important. Maybe in book 3, we could learn more about him there.
Oops! Orc’s POV, I kinda mixed them all up.
Well then, if that is the case, we have to be satisfied with mediocrity.
By the way, I’m not saying that you should remove these scenes but to imply or abridge them. For example, you can condense a lot of Jenn and Gastrope’s treck in a few paragraphs (especially the elevator and rollercoaster and the sun bridge) by just telling us instead of showing us the treck. Heck, you can even just turn it into one sentence… We ride a strange magicaly powered ‘lift’, then into a nausea inducing cart ride through the tunnels in the mountain and walk on the weird sun bride… and that is still able to encapsulate a lot of essense of that treck.
Rupert’s practice in shapeshifting could be implied, say a character close to Tom makes an observation about it and told Tom about it. That could still pass on important information about Rupert’s shapeshifting without using a dedicated POV and scenes for it.
I’m also not saying that you should remove characters, which I think you mean Vaselle. I just note the removal of Vaselle in this book since he downright wasted in here. You could just introduce him later in book 3 when he would be used properly. Or as I suggested, just not dedicate a POV to him since he is just a very minor character… albeit an interesting one. You could then update him later in book 3, where he would actually be of more major purpose.
The same could actually be said with Asmeth and the Rogues. You could have just introduced them in a much more concisely than giving all those leghtly details that we ends up uninterested in, especially when they aren’t particularly interesting in the first place.
I am actually suggesting in reducing the book’s lenght since Beta 1, but I guess I should have been more detailed there.
We just hope that this would go well in the market. It is, after all, the final arbiter of the product.
In a way, the ending of beta 3 is better, but also worser than beta 2.
Beta 1 and 2 for me the ending is somewhat cheesy and corny but otherwise it fits the overall expository tone of the entire book. Beta 3 ending on the other hand is intense. It is the most interesting event that ever happened in the entire book… only to be cut short. What a bitch.
Beta 1 and 2 leave you much uninterested, while beta 3 leaves you annoyed.
@The Author Guy
Hmmm… Why don’t you put more into the ending. Let Tom start fighing them a bit before cutting off. You seem to try a cliffhanger but ending with just naming the enemy doesn’t make much of a cliffhanger since I don’t really know who the enemies are or know if Tom is really in trouble. It might just be some demon who stink to high heaven that makes other demons dread fighting them… or Tom could have just run away… or it was just a joke to give Tom a heart attack… for all I know. A little fight would clarify that he is really in trouble and show how much in trouble Tom really is. After all, that what cliffhangers do. Put the protagonist in a dire situation (like hanging from a cliff) then comes the big:
[color=red][size=8][b]To be continued…[/b][/size][/color].
Yours is equavalent of our protagonist walking towards the edge of a cliff then suddenly the ‘To be continued…’ appears. :-s
Beta 2
[quote]Antefalken shook his head in mild surprise and looked at the knight. “[color=green]It doesn’t; there is no fierd here, so it never sets in the Abyss,[/color] I would have thought you knew that.”[/quote]
I remember you said that people uses the tem Fierd because that is the name of Astlan’s sun. Then why use the term fierd here?[quote]“Like an [color=green]expeditionary field trip[/color]!” Rupert exclaimed.[/quote]
This term just sounds inappropriately modern.[quote]“Hah hah.” Antefalken said. “You aren’t getting off that easy. It [color=red]iss[/color] a big plane with lots of places to go and you haven’t seen anything yet. Wait until you see the salt mines!”[/quote]
[quote]Tizzy laughed hilariously, the knight turned to glare at him. “Jokes on you, lad. [color=red]Humans don’t age or die here[/color], not if they are kept at a reasonable temperature and in a less toxic region where their flesh won’t dissolve; or unless they get evaporated by a really big demon or similar, but that’s a risk we all take. That’s how we can torture them for so long. They regenerate, just like demons!”
The knight blanched within his helmet.
“Actually Sir Talarius.” Antefalken told the knight. “Given that you are here…and you have to obey the same rules as us; [color=red]to all intents and purposes, you are a demon now[/color].”[/quote]
Factual inconsistency. You have given us the reason why demons could die. They could die if they loose the will to live. But then, if humans are essentially demons in The Abyss, they should have died if tortured since they will have no will to live.But then, it was Tizzy who spoke about this so this might just be a joke of sorts.
[quote]“We haven’t ascertained that yet, either, I fear.” Moradel answered, shaking his head. “It is another mystery, [color=green]along with missing demons[/color].”[/quote]
… along with [color=blue]the[/color] missing demons.[quote]Moradel seemed pleasantly surprised. [color=red]“Proceed, if you will”[/color][/quote]
Missing period.[quote][color=red]“No, apparently three of the archdemons escaped using a flying carpet.” More gasps from around the room, why would archdemons use a flying carpet.[/color][/quote]
Possible minor plot error. At 82.0 where the Council is having a discussion about the demons, Trisfelt is not there so he should not learn about the Achdemons escaping using a flying carpet, but here Hilda learn it from Trisfelt.
[quote]“In this process, apparently Sir Talarius encountered a Greater Demon he’d dispatched previously, and was about to do so again, when what everyone had believed to be a Greater, Greater Demon showed up and challenged Talarius to a [color=red]dual[/color].”[/quote]
Misspelling. Should be duel.[quote]“That’s what is being reported by observers and the Rod itself. “Several high priests suddenly collapsed and one began acting strange and claimed to be the demon that Talarius had fought. That high priest then collapsed and the previously dismembered demon reformed out of fire and ordered the Rod to attack Talarius; which about [color=green]30%[/color] of the archers actually did.” There were more gasps and another minute for Moradel to quiet the room.[/quote]
Awkward of improper use. Not how people would normaly talk and is too precise to be comming from something that just happen recently. Trisfelt have to be observing the archers attentively to get such number.[quote]“A demon granting mercy?” Moradel sounded incredulous. Hilda had been as well, but Trisfelt proceeded with a logical explanation, so she did as well. “Not exactly, it let him surrender, then it shape changed into a human male.” This evoked some discussion, but not as much as she would have expected. “He then walked over and was, apparently accepting the Knight’s surrender, when Talarius pulled Excrathadorus Mortis on the demon and stabbed him.” [color=green]The room broke into a loud round of cheers.[/color] They were all, of course, familiar with the ancient Excrathadorus Mortis dagger. It was legendary and over four thousand years old.[/quote]
This feels wrong to me somehow and then from 94B1:
[quote]The battle proceeded with the possession and defeat of Talarius, his surrender followed by his [color=green]treachery[/color]. Hilda was feeling a deep seated anger at this point. It was then that the god mana started flowing, this was what she had noticed, this was the high powered miracle that came through the backdoor and was thus inadvertently allowed. She wished she could See what was going on. It was very impressive to say the least. Then came the turning of Excrathadorus Mortis.[/quote]
They seems to have very inconsistent reactions.That is why it is just possible; but, if Lenamare does contact him, then he should know who the three demons are and Hilda should have known also. But she does not. Trisfelt could not have just named them, especially Exador, but why?
As you can see things are just inconsistent.
[quote]“And behind him and his two aides, is Trevin D’Vils, Enchantress of the Grove and her maidens.” Jenn frowned; the woman was [color=green]way too old to be wearing that sort of outfit.[/color][/quote]
-Culture check. This implies that young women here wore revealing (?) outfits which is quite the opposite of the dress code in medieval times. Is this right?[quote]“[color=red]Can’t Talarius fly over and look again, that’s what he did before?[/color]” Tureledor asked.[/quote]
Incorrect punctuation? I think it should be:
[quote]“[color=blue]Can’t Talarius fly over and look again[b]?[/b][/color]” Tureledor asked.[color=blue]”That’s what he did before[b].[/b]”[/color][/quote][quote]“I think it best if we watch the ball, and then I’ll tell you what else I know.” Damien gestured and the room lights went down. He waved his hand over the pedestal and ball and [color=green]the air above[/color] lit with a frozen vision of the Rod’s encampment.[/quote]
It is quite unclear what this means. “Air above” does it means the ceiling? Or above the ball?[quote]“As I said, let’s proceed; we can [color=red]rewind[/color] and replay as much as needed afterward, but I think we want to get the full event shown first.” Damien said.[/quote]
Questionable word choice. “Rewind” comes from the era of tapes and films that are wind around spools. When playing, the spool are unwind. To go back to previous section of the film, one has to “rewind” the spool, hence rewind. Since people here uses a ball, it sound strange to “rewind” it. This is just overzealousness in my part. You can ignore this.[quote]Trevin snapped at Davron, “Stop teasing Lenamare, Davron.” She shook her head. “Are we in any way agreed on what we might have seen? Obviously, we have no wizard sight view of the event, it [color=red]iss[/color] just a visual recording; but given the behavior of the priests, it appears that Lenamare’s demon linked up with, what? Five? High priests and hijacked their divine links? The links between themselves and their flocks, and then at the end? The healing mana and the artifact? Was it pulling mana from the heavens? From Tiernon’s own infrastructure? Is that what we saw?”[/quote]
Spelling error.[quote]“So Lenamare?” Davron spoke up, “How sure are you that you summoned a [color=green]Type IV[/color] demon?”[/quote]
[quote]“Thank you dear boy,” the elderly wizard said. Damien backed up to the point when the [color=green]type IV[/color] hit the ground. “Now, stop, good. I want you to zoom out and scroll up and to the right. See there up in the air, above the fight, over the camp.” There were whispers; no one seemed to know what the old wizard wanted to see.[/quote]
Inconsistent capitalization. Might appear somewhere else but is much noticable here.Beta 2
[quote]Reversed by a demon. A demon! Iskerus shuddered all the way down to the roots of his soul. How could this be? It was not possible. [color=green]His mind boggled.[/color] He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder; a priest, he could not remember the man’s name.[/quote]
I think “His mind was boggled” would be better?[quote]“The same, different tent; disarm them, [color=green]remove their armor and station guards[/color].” Barabus said walking over. The Vicar General extended his hand to Iskerus.[/quote]
Confusing phrasing. Not a big deal but does Barabus means to remove the guards? That is what I get when I first read it.Coming of Age is not a genre. It could appear in various genre like Sci-Fi and Romance. There are Adventures with no Coming of Age elements, which is quite true in early fictions. Around the World in Eighty Days for example is a rather clean Adventure Fiction and Coming of Age elements is absent. Gulliver’s Travels is another one. There is Adventure is in Game of Thrones but as I say, it is mainly Political Drama. Anyone who is looking for swashbuckling adventure with find it extremely lacking.
Yes. Politics is not between Kingdoms and your story is full of political factions. But as I said, the political drama haven’t develop yet. While the potentials of political conflicts are there, they are still potential and not an existing conflict… yet.
The whole Council is quite a homogenous political faction. I haven’t really seen individuals having much big political conflict yet.
Randolf and Exador isn’t exactly a political conflict since its not political power Randolf is after but revenge.
The Djinn barely make an appearance or have any political presence.
The Phanteon is a political power, a weak one, but they haven’t really make a political move yet.
The politics in Abyss is barely discussed and as Antefalken stated, mostly hot air. The greatest development seems to be the reemergence of Orcus. which Lillith reacts by attacking… with a very lame attempt.
The Grove is another political entity but as I said before, they are really not much into politics yet, content in ignoring the outside world, until now.
Sentir and Tiernon doesn’t have any conflict yet. The potential of conflict is there but since Tiernon doesn’t know about the stuff Sentir is doing, conflict is nonexistent… yet.
The Oorstemoth and Rod has to start yet any action. So again, conflict is yet to exist.
That is why I stated that political drama is yet to come. We have various political powers but without really any serious political conflict or at all. There are trouble brewing but no drama yet.
Super Mario Bros at least has King Bowser kindapping Princess Peach and forcing her to marry him to gain power over Mushroom Kingdom. That is a political drama… of sorts. Yours has nada.
