(82.0) Issues
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Damien grinned, “Hereditary traditions, I don’t know how fathers and sons refer to each other.” He pointed down further, “Davron of Markforton with two of his people and then ( insert “the one” / “the person” ) entering is Randolf of Turelane, whom you are probably both familiar with.”
“Thank you Councilor.” Damien bowed his head to Lenamare. Damien proceeded down the steps to a pedestal at ( insert “the” ) base of the auditorium, lifting a small bag from his waist.
“Thanks to Maelen here,” he pointed to Maelen who seemed to be pulling himself back together quickly,“we were suspicious that Ramses the Damned might be [color=red]wondering[/color] ( should be “wandering in” ) the Palace. Now we have that confirmed.”
[quote]“And behind him and his two aides, is Trevin D’Vils, Enchantress of the Grove and her maidens.” Jenn frowned; the woman was [color=green]way too old to be wearing that sort of outfit.[/color][/quote]
-Culture check. This implies that young women here wore revealing (?) outfits which is quite the opposite of the dress code in medieval times. Is this right?[quote]“[color=red]Can’t Talarius fly over and look again, that’s what he did before?[/color]” Tureledor asked.[/quote]
Incorrect punctuation? I think it should be:
[quote]“[color=blue]Can’t Talarius fly over and look again[b]?[/b][/color]” Tureledor asked.[color=blue]”That’s what he did before[b].[/b]”[/color][/quote][quote]“I think it best if we watch the ball, and then I’ll tell you what else I know.” Damien gestured and the room lights went down. He waved his hand over the pedestal and ball and [color=green]the air above[/color] lit with a frozen vision of the Rod’s encampment.[/quote]
It is quite unclear what this means. “Air above” does it means the ceiling? Or above the ball?[quote]“As I said, let’s proceed; we can [color=red]rewind[/color] and replay as much as needed afterward, but I think we want to get the full event shown first.” Damien said.[/quote]
Questionable word choice. “Rewind” comes from the era of tapes and films that are wind around spools. When playing, the spool are unwind. To go back to previous section of the film, one has to “rewind” the spool, hence rewind. Since people here uses a ball, it sound strange to “rewind” it. This is just overzealousness in my part. You can ignore this.[quote]Trevin snapped at Davron, “Stop teasing Lenamare, Davron.” She shook her head. “Are we in any way agreed on what we might have seen? Obviously, we have no wizard sight view of the event, it [color=red]iss[/color] just a visual recording; but given the behavior of the priests, it appears that Lenamare’s demon linked up with, what? Five? High priests and hijacked their divine links? The links between themselves and their flocks, and then at the end? The healing mana and the artifact? Was it pulling mana from the heavens? From Tiernon’s own infrastructure? Is that what we saw?”[/quote]
Spelling error.[quote]“So Lenamare?” Davron spoke up, “How sure are you that you summoned a [color=green]Type IV[/color] demon?”[/quote]
[quote]“Thank you dear boy,” the elderly wizard said. Damien backed up to the point when the [color=green]type IV[/color] hit the ground. “Now, stop, good. I want you to zoom out and scroll up and to the right. See there up in the air, above the fight, over the camp.” There were whispers; no one seemed to know what the old wizard wanted to see.[/quote]
Inconsistent capitalization. Might appear somewhere else but is much noticable here.On comments:
Culture check: Standards do vary from country to country in Astlan. The Turelaneans mostly dress inappropriate by everyone’s standards, or at least the rich ones do. Gastrope’ remarks on this later, he wears a harem/djinn like outfit (see pictures here on website) which is the style what the upper class youth in Turelane wear.
Jenn is a brown robe, heavy clothes, medieval Europe sort of person, as in fact is Freehold and Gizzor Del and pretty much everywhere else.
Now, of course educated people are aware of other cultural traditions and are usually tolerant.
However, Trevin is wearing something akin to a blue harem outfit, i.e. very skimpy and sheer and seriously revealing. And lots of jewelry. It would be in bad taste for a swimsuit model to wear such an outfit to such a formal/high level gathering; for a woman who appears to be 100 years old, well…that is what Jenn is complaining about.
Google “I dream of “Jeannie” go to images, pick the most revealing one, and that is probably still more conservative than what Trevin is wearing.
Also, Jeannie in those images is what Tremin has chosen to look like.
Agreed on the flying Talarius. Thanks
It is the air above the ball, think of it as projecting a hologram. It is awkward will tidy it up.
Good catch on the rewind! That word is just stuck in my head. Argh.
Inconsistent capitalization is one of my most beloved errors. I am horrible about this. Seriously horrible. I have terrible consistency with capitalization and I often change my mind and then do search and replace and ugh! Will fix, thanks.
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