Fixing Bigger Issues

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    Hey. What about this. Why don’t end the book with Tom acquiring the Wand of Orcus and becoming the master of Mount Doom? To me, that event is a more worthwhile ending.

    You could them fill things and expand things and add things. You can say make Tom fight the D’Orcs before he acquire the Wand. Tom could confront other demons. Learn more about the demon world. Study more magic. The Wizards could even try to summon Tom to destroy him or something.

    You could also make Gastrope and Jenn’s travel less boring by adding some conflict or increase in stakes. Fight Orcs? Lift malfunction? Heard some freaky stories? Learn more about these community of freaks. etc.

    There are lot of things that could be added.

    Then you can put the things that are cut (half of the book actually) to the third book.

    By, the way, I’m just throwing in things and I know my idea might be very stupid than I thougt. Just ignore me then.


    Excellent points.

    Plus, many characters just aren’t that introspective by their nature.


    I like his introspective moments, it adds a nice duality to him, it shows that he really has absolutely no idea what is going on but feels that if he lets that show everything that is going on will just blow up in his face. Meanwhile the others see him as practically a demonic god because of the stunts he is able to pull off, not understanding that the stuff he is able to do is likely possible for others, they just were taught that it wasn’t possible and wouldn’t have ever thought of trying it.

    As for the other characters, introspective moments might help add some interest in them, but it would have to be added in with more action scenes as reading inner monologs and descriptions of new locations or vessels might cause people to skip scenes.


    That certain blue genie would have been less esoteric, especially when this book is aimed for younger audiences. I was not able to get the reference until Anskier mention it. All I get was getting confused to who she may be. I think, you need to give more detail than the very vague clue that was in the book, like actualy giving the title of the show.

    While you struggle to get all in, you did manage to get in a lot of nothing. Sorry my awful mouth. The adventure of J and G is not really an adventure than a step by step travelogue which have almost zero relevance to the whole story. There is also that Hilda-vs-Beggars scene, while give some insight about Hilda, has absolutely nothing to do with the whole story (yet).

    As for Zelda… I always had thought her, and most D’Orcs, minor. You can give her more relevance if you like, though that is making your list of focal characters more numerous.


    actually you might be able to build on Talarius’s inner monolog as you progress through the book and his indoctrinated hatred of demons starts to crumble under the new information he is being hit with. Then the crushing guilt that would come with the knowledge that perhaps not all of the evil beings he had destroyed throughout his career as a Knight Rampant had actually been evil and he might just be an exceptionally gifted mass murderer.


    Well I loved reading it and looking for mistakes. Great book, and a good continuation of the first one. But I’m going to guess and say book 3 is not the ending to this series so the cliff hangers should be saved for the end of the series if you want to do something in that universe or for the ending of the second to last book. Still loved the stories.



    Well put! =d>

    Actually, Tom’s introspective moments of him curling up in a ball was what I was feeling ‘in character as Tom’ imaging myself in so far over my head that I just wanted to crawl up into a fetal ball and wish the world away.

    It’s like “I can’t deal with this shit! Make it go away!”

    But at the same time, that crazy stuff is so much more exciting than sitting around bored to death in a cave, or being a slave to Lenamare. It is power! It is being active. But at the same time, you know (or feel) you are a fraud and at some point the whole thing is going to blow up in your face. And you dread when that’s going to happen, because you know it’s got to…


    This forum is for after reading Book 2 and discussing what you like and don’t like and most importantly [b]”How to fix the parts you don’t like”[/b]



    Well this is the first time that I post here, so first of all I have to thank the author for sharing this amazing work with all of us, It has been a pleasure to read this books so far, so I want help to improve this work so it becomes the legendary story that it deserves to be, for this reason I will share my opinion of several things on Book II.

    First and the most important thing the plot: this book is divided in several character groups, each and each one has their own story so I will talk about each one of them:

    Tom and Co.: Obviously the most important one because it is the core of this story, and again I really like how this story was planned and also how it was developed, during all this side of the story you could keep me entertained, this is great per se but I believe that it is so good that sometimes it overshadows the other sides of the story, I found myself tempted several times to jump the other segments to only read what happen next to Tom and the others, so that means that this segment is done right but the others need to be improved, I will talk about them latter.

    Now even If I know that this books are one big story, I believe that each book need a sense of beginning, middle and end, in this case I believe that is done right, specially the ending, THAT ENDING, in my humble opinion that ending is great… in fact is fantastic, I really liked the feeling that you give us that something is finishing to make way to book III and the revelation that you put at the ending was outstanding, I as the reader passed from a : NO that is prosperous, to a: Wait, Is it posible? to a big: OH MY GOD! it is true; something perfect to start the book III.

    The only thing that I believe to get better in this part are the development of other characters that are not Tom, for example Talarius, Rupert or even Reggie, sure we know them but for example I don’t know how much Talarius change at the end of the Book, maybe have a little conversations between characters to show us to show us how they change through the entire book.

    Jen and Gastrope: Here is where I feel that is the biggest problem in this book, this story has a sense of begining, is lacking a sense of a middle and doesn’t have a sense of ending, I know that their story is not finished, but I can summarize this story as a simple travel from point A to point B where almost nothing happens, in fact what really suprised me (and not the good surprise) is that Jen and Gastrope didn’t interact with Tom or Rupert in the entire book; that means that in this case you need to give us something that can compete with Tom’s story, otherwise the readers will feel that this is only a filler and will want avoid them and jump to the next segment, something that is never good, In this case I believe that it is necessary to add some conflict or simple cut this part and only mention where are going Jen and Gastrope and include it completely in Book III to make room to something else .

    Hilda and Co. Well I’m not sure about this part of the story, definitely is better than Jen and Gastrope add some elements and some developments in the characters, in short I believe it has a sense og beggining, is lacking a sense of sa middle but it has a sense of ending when Tiernon called her. I believe that this part is good but needs a little more conflict because even if it is good its lacking compared to Tom’s story having the same problem as Jen’s story, I was temped to jump this segments in favor of read Tom’s story, otherwise a good job showing how a good spy works

    Djinns: The thing here is that is so little and appart that I almost don’t remember any of the characters also at the end doesn’t have a big impact in this book, in my Humble opinion, what you need to do here is simple, make a simple segment here explaining what you need, it could be at the ending and then expand something else important in this book, it is obvious that they will have a big role in the future but it is not something that it is in this book so I believe that it is better that you leave it to develop in book III.

    Exodor, Bess and Ramses: Here we have a good Beginning a middle but I feel that is lacking somewhat and ending, I said this because I don’t have clear in how this characters end in this book, good development with Bess is something I have to congratulate you.

    Some minor changes is that this books lacks introspections, something that I really liked not only from Tom but also for other characters, it will be good to see some of them specially from new characters like Reggie or some Tom’s Commanders.
    For now I will leave this here, I will reread the book and then I will comment if I have more suggestions

    Thank you for you time reading this.


    I like his introspective moments as well. He is just a teenager, dealing with all this crazy, and now people actively trying to kill him instead of benig in danger.

    He keeps his calm in front of everyone, since this whole house of cards has been built on people thinking he is an old experienced demon. Without the introspection I think he would come off as taking all of this far too calmly.

    One of the problems with beta demons, we all have different ideas and preferences as to how a scene/book should go 😛 At the end, there are just a few left, standing on top of the corpses holding their bloodied edit version.


    Excellent details…exactly what I need, thanks! I love your plotline by plotline rundown! I like your analysis too!

    The introspection, that is the big question I have. I personally like his introspective moments, but I know or hear from others they don’t like it that he seems too self absorbed.

    So this is a good question? What do people think on Tom’s inner dialogue/introspection. There is less here than the first book.

    Would more “deep internal” with other characters help flesh them out, or does it detract from Tom as the main protagonist.


    I think that’s a good point.

    Tom should really be the only super introspective/hide it all person. Each person needs their own “inner voice”

    Gastrope’s inner dialogue is more about worry and anxiety and uncertainty, but he doesn’t really try to hide it, or is rally bad at it. You can literally read his inner dialogue by watching his face change colors.

    Jenn, like Jehenna is strongly opinionated and stubborn. She can have inner dialogue but she’s one tough and determined cookie. She doesn’t really have time for nonsense. She has a very strong sense of self, a strong morality and goes for what she knows is right.

    Talarius? I think his inner dialogue speaks for itself with its logic.


    Well I agree with what everyone here are saying, not all characters are introspective, but in Tom’s situation works great because he is trying to hide his vulnerability so he won’t talk to anyone about it, he will try just to cope and endure whatever is thrown at him in silence, introspection are the best way of showing us that weakness, so for me they are a must in the book, however everything in excess is bad so remember that the trick is balance that introspective moments with the narrative.


    I like that. It is basically the plotline I have for him, showing it more would probably make it more believable.

    However, as we will at sometime get to, things are not so simple as Antefalken says. Antimus in particular, which is in part responsible for the corruption of the Church, puts a bit of a wrench in things.

    As a side note, antimus plays a big role in necromancy, liches and such are big on it. We may or may not get to that (in future books) with the character Asfrid, who is one of the nefarious adventurers, or actually a colleague of theirs. Asfrid wasn’t in Oorstemoth getting the book for Lenamare, but one of the bandits who did steal the book, that Tibs, Marcus and ‘N’ are going to collect, the Mobius Magi has gone to Natoor (or Najaar) to dig up Asfrid for more fire power against Oorstemoth. At the moment, Asfrid is resting/recharging deep inside a pyramid. She is not completely stable, in large part because her base/former morality conflicts with the antimus of her immortal nature.

    But that plotline is so crazy, it may have to be split out as another series altogether…

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