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There seems to be no overall tension. The big picture is set aside for day-to-day lives of rebuilding the Doompire.
* Actually I only think it was called Doompire in bk2. Haven’t seen that in book 3. I get the impression that lots of little things that were lost between 1 & 2 and 2 & 3.
Anyways, regarding tension. Often I have an idea of what the Tom or some of the POVs want. But what do they want to avoid or resolve? The latter is always as clear or it comes way later down the line. I get there is fight coming in Nysegard and a meeting of the Tiernon & Doom sides, but not a whole lot of tension.
For each of the main characters I have to ask myself:
1. What is their main problem that they are facing?
2. How does their problem get worse (and worse)?
3. How their problem is resolved?
4. What are the consequences of failure?So, what is Tom’s main problem? He is facing:
– Increasing responsibility that is unprepared to hand.
– Fearing the loss of his personality.That’s it. The rest doesn’t really stand out or feels like an aside.
What is Hilda’s main problem?
– …? It’s a bit scattered.I’m not 100% sure, but do we even have more POV for non-main characters than main? Our mains are Tom and Hilda right? Because all the others have really small parts or do not seem to be the ones driving the plot forward.
Maybe you can help us out TAG. For book 3 who do you consider to be main characters and what is their tension? Then I can give my impressions on how I felt the book executed things.
This scene:
Nysegard, Krallnomton
Talarius had wandered through several tunnels finding some dead ends before finally discovering a passage that had light on the far end. As he headed toward the light he was somewhat surprised that it was not the red light of the Abyss, but rather appeared to be more like natural daylight. He hurried on towards what was now clearly a tunnel exit.
Okay, I get that winds up in Nysegard for the bulk of the scene, but he starts in Mount Doom. When I first saw the scene location I was wondering if I had missed something. Why was Talarius in Nysegard? I thought he was in Doom? Ohhhhh, then I get it later in the scene but I was confused at the beginning.
This is the only scene where the character’s starting location did not match the scene’s title’s location.
Agreed, I noted the same thing for that scene.
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Also, what happened to the RockSmashers of Nysegard from book 2? No mention in book 3.
Ben,
What browser are you using? I’m using an epub reader for Firefox right now since my Kindle app doesn’t do epub either.
I agree with that the very start prior to the actual story was too much. Starting with an appendix-style entry feels off. Perhaps moving this to the appendix and linking to it the first time someone in-story mentions one specific date/time/moon. Another possibility (but way more work) is to style it into a short prose format for “Previously in Demons of Astlan…”
Also, it is nice that you have links, but are they placeholders or will they become more of an “in-universe” essay style? I say this because of offline readers and any eventual print format readers.
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In the timeline where you say, “Lenamare, however, had planted magic items on his agents that caused them to blame Exador for the robbery.”, feels very weak and doesn’t really convey who Lenamare is. Phrasing-wise the idea is that Lenamare is unscrupulous right? So rather than “planted magic that caused them to blame” he “slipped a compulsion upon them”. This helps the reader to get a better feel for Lenamare’s character which is sneaky and lacking in a certain set of morals.
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“An expedition to investigate a vision of an orc uprising and the nature of the demon Bess is launched by the Council of Wizardry and the Grove, led by Trevin D’Vils, Enchantress of the Grove.”
At this point those investigating believe Bess to be a goddess and a demon.
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“Within a few days, as the expedition left the Grove in the Cloudship Nimbus, it is attacked by a contingent of Storm Lords of Nysegard, undead liches on ice dragons.”
There is nothing at this point in the story to indicate why or how this is a major milestone. As someone who has finished the alpha I can now understand why it is there, but when I first encountered it I felt that it did not belong.
There is a section called “Murgatroy: Several hours earlier, DOA + 1, Shortly after lunch.”
However, going by book two we have:
[list]
[*]The ascension ends and less than a day later (4-8 hours it felt) Tommus returns to Midgard with his passengers.
[*]Ruiden runs out when Tommus returns to Midgard
[/list]And that leads us to the start of this scene. This fight happened right after the end of ascension. How can it be DOA +1 but several hours earlier? Is it off a day?
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“Gastropé squinted at him and then looked to Damien who shook his head slightly from side to side and nodded. “He never mentioned to me that he had a warlock!” Gastropé would have to rethink his relationship with Tom.”
This reads as if it is Damien speaking instead of Gastropé. Also, he shook his head AND nodded? Am I missing something?
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Damien’s personality seems off. He is too blasé. I can see why later when we get a look into his inner thoughts but he feels very passive before that point.
[quote=The Author Guy;3824]Middle of the night…. +7 hours.
8 pm CDT is 3 am CEST.
Not sure of exact time, probably it will be more like 1 am CEST, depends on when I get stopped and how much of a pain the “publishing process is”
I think I have the publish to EPub and PDF down fine enough now, but always gotta look at conversion to not drive people insane.
Last time we tried several formats and PDF and EPub worked best.
[/quote]
I’ll convert the epub to mobi so I take notes via Kindle reader. My process is to highlight mistakes and problems areas and then go back to fill in details when I reach the end.
2 more days and then TAG will experience a hell worse than demon from Abyss. No, he shall fear… the critic, the beta-reader, the nay-sayer and doom writer.
Might as well release as it is right now. That allows us to get started on the beginning & middle while the end is wrapped up. Given that this is the first beta pass we’ll be going slower and uncovering more things to discuss between now & the weekend.
So, a vacation starting on Saturday, TAG is hoping to kick things off before leaving on vacation, and the forum is created but locked. Perhaps beta will start tomorrow?
Reading the Who’s Who. Possible insights to Book 3?
Casper Cranshall – Captain, Elias Stevensword – Executive Officer.
Seems the cut material from Bk2 will be back in Bk3 instead of being a side story? Maybe even a major plot thread?Too inappropriate a theme song for Gaius (Caius), Sir. Knight Rampant of Tiernon? Also,
[youtube]yjJDBP292rM[/youtube]Marcus, The Immortal – Professional Provocateur
A possible trickster god? Reincarnation of Loki or the hidden 4th member of those who built Mount Doom? Maybe even… Tizzy’s secret identity?Moorecock – Dimensional Helmsman, Halferth – Chief Sorcery Officer. Possible crewmembers of the Inferno? Perhaps they will be stranded / captured in the Abyss?
N – Historian and Sage of Worlds
“Adventurer seeking passage on Captain Asmeth’s ship.” Asmeth is alive and not arrested by the Rod? He was not eliminated by Oostermoth after the Rod was done w/ him? Interesting and who is this mysterious N? At least he/she isn’t X.3rd to 4th. I do not recall where it was but I recall reading that. Unless it was in the prior beta and was removed.
TAG, what’s the good word on beta? Hoping for the beginning of August, mid, end? Or is real life rearing it’s ugly head again?
Either this is a very human-centric essay or Adam and Eve are the first ancestors of ALL mortals including non-humans? Well, after that bad fruit was eaten.
Edit: Also, this provides interesting insight into the Knights of Chaos. I don’t think we’ve encountered a traveler from a negative plane yet, right? Everything has been the positively charged planes including the liches?
