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I’m just going to link back to this post of Alpha0’s general spelling errors since several were not fixed for Alpha1.
Yes that is better, but didn’t you just revert to the Alpha0 version with some typos corrected?
Also while you making changes: That would be a[color=red] route[/color]!” should be That would be a [color=red]rout[/color]!”
Hey, don’t be all in a tizzy over the writing process. Sure this story is your demon to bear, but take a break if need be.
Anyways, I did a copy and compare of the text for this scene Alpha1 v2 you posted and Alpha0. It is just alpha0 with typos fixed. Oh well. It didn’t really need fixing before.
I also did a comparison of Alpha1 and Alpha0.
Now, the main things you added in Alpha1 are:
[list][*] Sentir was behind Exador
[*] Lilith & Aodh learning that Exador was in charge of Tiernon forces at one point
[*] The reveal of Tisdale[/list]With #1 and #3 removed #2 could still be of import. Only, I’ve yet to see the final 20% and have no idea how relevant such a revelation would be for the upcoming chapters. Also, no idea if Sentir is still meant to be behind Exador but will that be revealed later in this or a future book.
Hm, Phophet does draw interesting parallels with Tiernon’s naming style. Not sure how other gods would react to Orcus stepping up the godhood game.
It happened across the localverse? I mean I know that is said in the book, but they seem so focused on Astlan we’ve never heard about what happened on other planes in the localverse.
This part doesn’t feel right for Sentir Fallon: “An archdemon named Exador.” Sentir Fallon said. “The same archdemon involved in this whole Astlan— Lord Tommus thing?” Lilith asked in surprise. “The same.” Sentir Fallon nodded. “He was the also the Arch-Vicar General of the Rod when the Dark Apostle was consumed by the C.O.D. battling the wizard Tisdale.” Lilith shook her head. “What an amazingly small multiverse!” “I’m sorry, but did I just hear you say that you had an archdemon in charge of Tiernon’s military forces in Astlan?” Aodh asked with visible surprise. “It was a mutually beneficial.
It’s like people are tied too closely together rather than having coincidence. It feels fake and forced just make Sentir appear more sinister.
Before this scene Sentir came across as someone who was foolish but wanted to serve Tiernon. With this scene it makes me think that he wants to undermine Tiernon.
Basically before now I viewed Sentir’s deal w/ the devil as one born of desperation. What I have been imaging since book2 is that he was ordered to stop Orcus but decided that it was too hard because of Mount Doom and the treaty. He might be able to sneak, but he’d need a war party to cut him. Even then banishing him from Etterdam wouldn’t be enough, so he needed to remove Orcus for good.
Thus he comes up with a plan. He is against Orcus so naturally he has reached out to a possible ally – Aodh who is leading the forces against Orcus. But he needs someone inside the Abyss. He is reluctant but chooses Lilith. Better the devil you can deal with / know / predict than the chessmaster Orcus.
Thus far he has skirted the rules set by Tiernon but not crossed them.
Eventually he realizes that only Unlife / antimus can get stop Orcus but such a thing is an abomination, that such a thing cannot be crafted by him, and so he wrestles with the idea but his desire to end Orcus pushes him into making a deal and taking that first step to damnation. He contacts the Storm Lords and in exchange for reducing Tiernon’s forces on Nysegard and removing Orcus they’ll craft him an antimus weapon.
He uses it and the rest is history.
HOWEVER, at no point since then have we seen him be so zealous as a make a deal with a demon and help it impersonate a priest of Tiernon let alone use it to attack other GODS. Orcus was a demon, a powerful demon. But when did Sentir fall so far to so easily defy Tiernon.
It just doesn’t fit and feels very out of character. Not to mention that he’d have to arranged for Exador to take control somehow and I’d be very surprised if Exador didn’t know this. Yet we’ve nothing else except this scene tying Exador and Sentir together.
It would seem better to have less of a connection / more degrees of separation and more of an unfortunate coincidence. Otherwise this feels very skewed.
Edit: Next thing you know we’ll be seeing Tom’s [b]father’s brother’s nephew’s cousin’s former roommate[/b] as a reincarnated priest of Tiernon with the inside scoop and perfectly willing to help him enter Tierhallon after a short convincing argument about it being for the better good.
Yes, this reveal about Sentir and Exador feels a lot like that.
Tom didn’t steal mana as a demon. He took it because he had a item of Tiernon (the arrowheads) which were designed to siphon mana. From the way Book 1 played out I get the feeling that anyone capable of holding the mana (okay, maybe demons and gods only) would have been able to use the arrowheads to siphon from Tiernon.
Chapter 131 is the last we see of Danyel. His mistress is gone to Nysegard and the mortals forces on Astlan know that Hilda is going to Nysegard. So why didn’t Danyel follow (no mention of him having followed in the scene at the Citadel of Light) and what did Hilda order him to do?
Is this something covered in the missing 20% or was he just forgotten?
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We have this piece of dialogue: [i]We were smoking demon weed and complaining about the gods locking up everyone they didn’t like; so we came up with this half-baked idea to build a prison to lock up the gods.[/i]
If the gods were already locking other gods up then why did they need Tartarus and why would Net be anymore worried about Orcus locking gods up if other gods were already doing it?
When you expanded on the first scene between Tiernon and Torean you did a bang-up job. They really worked well together and had a great presence / chemistry in their banter.
Then in this chapter we have their second scene together, however this scene is unchanged from Alpha0 and so it has some disconnects with the previous scene in Chapter 123.
In the chapter 124 scene we’ve established a few things.
#1 – Tiernon has been suspicious of Sentir Fallon but has had no proof. The dagger is not concrete proof, but I feel that Torean should prompt/push/inquire of Tiernon about next steps. The 123 scene was very focused on Torean’s ideals of how to handle problems vs. Tiernons. It should continue.#2 – If the problems on Sentir Fallon were so key in the 123 scene and the grabbing of the dagger was to help determine what Sentir Fallon had been up to then why didn’t Tiernon and Torean discuss next steps? Maybe a simple but ominous (for Sentir) plan to give Sentir Fallon just enough rope to hang himself and Tiernon planning to investigate the dagger further? Somehow?
#3 – We gave quitea bit of characterization to Torean and Tiernon in 123. He feels like a brother. That feeling is lost in this scene. Basically Torean should say something like “Well, you wanted proof” and Tiernon does like the Spock thing with his eyebrow (and logically this is not proof) saying “Thin proof. He could have been deceived” and Torean does some teasing and reminds Tiernon (but really the readers) that investigation the origin of the knife will help. Or some such. But where is that brotherly worry and banter that was in 123?
In chapter 127 the people living on the Isle of Doom are described as having a “fierce loyalty”. Only, outside of swearing loyalty to Tommus and accepting him readily we don’t experience this.
This is especially important because of Talarius.
One aspect of fierce loyalty is closing ranks and an shared dislike for enemies. The D’Orcs from the Abyss hate Tiernon, and more specifically Sentir Fallon. The Tiernon troops on Nysegard really dislike Sentir Fallon. The folks on the Isle of Doom? Nothing.
Now, the amity between the forces of Light on Nysegard means that the Nysegard Doompire subjects are okay with Tiernon. They should still have a strong hate (even stronger than the Citadel of Light) for Sentir Fallon.
Not sure how you would work into the story — maybe during the discussion of how they allied with the Los Alvar and Shield of Tiernon?. But, I feel that this betrayal by an upper management figure in Tierhallon should have led to strained relationships. They couldn’t have forgiven so quickly.
In the meeting of the wizards we have this line: [i]He turned to look at Randolf. “Did you not know he was an archdemon?”[/i]
By this point we’ve establish that everyone except Damien knows that Randolf knew that Exador as an archdemon. Now, this IS Damien asking but then the rest of the scene and their interrogation of Randolf feels like it is happening too late. Is the meeting they are having just bringing Damien up to speed or is it more? If more, why wasn’t this held earlier?
In Chapter 120 there is the scene: [i]Freehold, Council Chamber: Early Sixth Period[/i]. During this time there a sort of informal discussion of Randolf and Exador’s relationship and what is known. 129’s scene is similar and probably not needed as a repeat. 129 retreads old ground from the reader’s POV and adds nothing.
Also, waaaaaaaay back in Chapter 120 we have this conversation between Damien and Tamarin: [i]Damien shook his head. “Uhm, yes. Are you saying that was Exador? That he was responsible for Abancia?” Tamarin nodded. “So Randolf knew all along that Exador was an archdemon?” Tamarin grinned and nodded again. “As did his father and grandfather. Exador arranged Randolf’s father’s accident when the old archimage got too uppity for Exador.”[/i]
So Damien knows and has no reason to doubt. Thus the inquiry in 129 seems very redundant.
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What is the difference between when you use archdemon and Archdaemon or however it is spelt from book 2? When do you use which?
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Holy shit! Tizzy got revenge for Orcus by killing the Dark Apostle that lead the forces that killed Orcus! It also implies that Tizzy knew the Unlife were involved while no one does. Or is just coincidence but this IS Tizzy.
