Alpha 1 – Chapter 126
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When you expanded on the first scene between Tiernon and Torean you did a bang-up job. They really worked well together and had a great presence / chemistry in their banter.
Then in this chapter we have their second scene together, however this scene is unchanged from Alpha0 and so it has some disconnects with the previous scene in Chapter 123.
In the chapter 124 scene we’ve established a few things.
#1 – Tiernon has been suspicious of Sentir Fallon but has had no proof. The dagger is not concrete proof, but I feel that Torean should prompt/push/inquire of Tiernon about next steps. The 123 scene was very focused on Torean’s ideals of how to handle problems vs. Tiernons. It should continue.#2 – If the problems on Sentir Fallon were so key in the 123 scene and the grabbing of the dagger was to help determine what Sentir Fallon had been up to then why didn’t Tiernon and Torean discuss next steps? Maybe a simple but ominous (for Sentir) plan to give Sentir Fallon just enough rope to hang himself and Tiernon planning to investigate the dagger further? Somehow?
#3 – We gave quitea bit of characterization to Torean and Tiernon in 123. He feels like a brother. That feeling is lost in this scene. Basically Torean should say something like “Well, you wanted proof” and Tiernon does like the Spock thing with his eyebrow (and logically this is not proof) saying “Thin proof. He could have been deceived” and Torean does some teasing and reminds Tiernon (but really the readers) that investigation the origin of the knife will help. Or some such. But where is that brotherly worry and banter that was in 123?
Found another issue in 130
So just sort of randomly reread and discovered that when discussing “who have they got in the dungeon” and reveal that it is Eris, we are told that Zeus recommended them to the Etonians.
Obviously, this is contradicted in the Tiernon/Torean discussions where they did not want the Olympeans to know they’d locked up Zeus’ daughter.
So basically deleted/changed those lines to this
Phaestus closed his eyes and bowed his head for a moment, inhaling as if to draw strength. He finally looked up and opened his eyes. “I detest that woman. She has brought more problems to the Olympians than anyone I can think of…well other than my parent’s marital woes.”
“So she’s an Olympian goddess?” Tom asked.
Phaestus nodded, “My sister in fact.”
“You helped lock up your own sister?” Tom asked in shock.
Phaestus shrugged. “In our family, that does not mean we have to like each other; after all, I hate my mother with a multiversally renowned passion.” Tom noted the others all nodded in agreement with this statement.
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