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Trisfelt had a passion for “True Crime” stories. [color=red]His passion, however, was being interrupted, something wasn’t quite right, there was a disturbance in one of his wards.[/color] (Bugging me. Maybe “His passion, however, was being interrupted by something not quite right – a disturbance in one of his wards.” ? )
[color=red]As he’d noted, she was full bodied, rather voluptuous Trisfelt thought, [color=black](break into two sentences? running a bit long)[/color] she had brilliant golden hair that he swore almost glowed on its own and seemed to match her beaming eyes and wide smile.[/color]
“I’m Hilda!” The woman introduced herself extending a hand to Trisfelt.
“Uhm, Trisfelt.” Trisfelt said [color=red]after a moment.[/color] ( repetitive, delete. insert “while” ) shaking her hand after a momentary bit of confusion. “What brings you out into the woods at night?”“Uh, yes…it’s been there for a bit now.” Trisfelt said, puzzled but still a bit flustered by her bright and [color=red]fierdy[/color] (? fiery? flirty?) smile.
This morning one of her Illuminaries had suddenly gone dark and then not long after had started drawing mana at ( insert “a” ) rather large rate for several minutes before dropping to a very dark level.
Squelch. Hilda stopped and rubbed the bridge of her nose. She’d just stuck one of her golden slippered feet into ( insert “a” ) six inch deep puddle of mud.
Tizzy brought the knight down on a plateau jutting out from the side of one ( insert “of” ) the rather gravitationally impossible cylindrical stone pillars that rose a mile or more out of a seemingly barren plane.
He’d let himself be [color=red]drug[/color] (better to use “dragged”) into this undertaking at the last minute and then had been so overwhelmed by the complexity and ingenuity of the spell that he’d just gone [color=red]a long[/color] ( should be “along” ) with it.
That was sufficiently unpleasant ( insert “enough” ) that he didn’t expect to get much opposition from Gandros.
Damien grinned, “Hereditary traditions, I don’t know how fathers and sons refer to each other.” He pointed down further, “Davron of Markforton with two of his people and then ( insert “the one” / “the person” ) entering is Randolf of Turelane, whom you are probably both familiar with.”
“Thank you Councilor.” Damien bowed his head to Lenamare. Damien proceeded down the steps to a pedestal at ( insert “the” ) base of the auditorium, lifting a small bag from his waist.
“Thanks to Maelen here,” he pointed to Maelen who seemed to be pulling himself back together quickly,“we were suspicious that Ramses the Damned might be [color=red]wondering[/color] ( should be “wandering in” ) the Palace. Now we have that confirmed.”
Quick blurb. Feel free to flesh it out more.
What’s a guy gotta do? Tom Perkinje just wanted to be a part of the gang. Instead, he gets a new body and his soul bound to an egocentric wizard. Caught between two warring wizards and chased by the forces of Law and Goodness as he tries to adapt to his current form – can Tom survive his time in Astlan where everyone thinks he’s Evil?
Don’t you know going to school is dangerous? At least, if you live in Astlan it is. Jenn the journeyman Thaumaturge does at Lenamare’s Academy of Wizardry. Not only does she have taskmasters for teachers, her school has an army sieging outside of it and something even worse lurking inside – a Greater Demon that Jenn’s pretty sure will ravage and kill her if it wasn’t bound to the Headmaster, Lenamare.
Well as for reporting goes at the start, it’s probably more helpful to point out inconsistencies, your first impression of the story and suggest stuff on how to improve it. On the last beta, sometimes whole chapters gets rewritten that all the grammatical errors you pointed out just plain disappears. It does help to point the stuff near the final draft though to make it easier for the poor editor they got chained in their dungeon.
Maybe change the blurb a bit more. Was too repetitive.
Proposed revision:
Aboard the airship, Dante’s Inferno, the Oorstemoth and the Rod invades the Abyss in search of Talarius while Hilda and her host works to establish a new base upon the plains of Murgatroy to launch a rescue mission of their own.
or
While the Oorstemoth and the Rod searches the Abyss for Talarius aboard Dante’s Inferno, Hilda and her host works to establish a new base upon the plains of Murgatroy to launch a rescue mission of their own.
or
Insert something entirely different here
Meh, can’t make up my mind.
[quote]After 4,000 years of waiting, Prophecy has been fulfilled! The Dark Lord Tommus, heir to the Throne of Orcus, has relit Mount Doom in the Abyss! It is time for the Orcs to reclaim their rightful place upon the Planes of Orc!
As the Orcs rejoice and race to rebuild the connections between their worlds and the Abyss and the Alvar gird for war, Tom discovers his new home comes with some unexpected guests ; guests who may provide him leverage in his conflict with the god Tiernon. [/quote]
Hm. Add “as” …the Alvar gird for war. I think that semicolon usage is wrong. Use a dash “-” perhaps and add “with” … leverage in his conflict …
[quote]Hilda and crew work to establish a new base of operations upon the plains of Murgatroy to launch a rescue mission for Talarius.
Exador needs the assistance of the Storm Lords to destroy Lenamare and the Council of Wizardry and seize The Book once and for all; in return they want his help to recreate the lost works of the Dark Apostle.[/quote]
Semicolon again, maybe just use two sentences instead I think. Perhaps “In return, he must first recreate the lost works of the Dark Apostle.”
[quote]Lilith, meanwhile is preoccupied by a Baron of Chaos who wants to know where [u]is[/u] Maelstrom went.[/quote]
Switch Lilith and meanwhile. Get rid of “is”
Proposed revision:
[quote]After 4,000 years of waiting, Prophecy has been fulfilled! The Dark Lord Tommus, heir to the Throne of Orcus, has relit Mount Doom in the Abyss! It is time for the Orcs to reclaim their rightful place upon the Planes of Orc!
As the Orcs rejoice and race to rebuild the connections between their worlds and the Abyss and as the Alvar gird for war, Tom discovers his new home comes with some unexpected guests – guests who may provide him with leverage in his conflict with the god Tiernon.
Hilda and crew work to establish a new base of operations upon the plains of Murgatroy to launch a rescue mission for Talarius.
Exador needs the assistance of the Storm Lords to destroy Lenamare and the Council of Wizardry and seize The Book once and for all. In return, he must first recreate the lost works of the Dark Apostle.
Meanwhile, Lilith is preoccupied by a Baron of Chaos who wants to know where Maelstrom went.[/quote]
[quote=Racue;4025]The D’orc summoning booty call is pretty unnecessary just sayin. Amusing but unnecessary [/quote]
Heh, yeah I had to skim around to find what you’re talking about and I had to agree. Unless of course, that scene was suppose to show that they have a relationship with each other.
[quote=smw;4038]I disagree, I believe Vaselle’s scenes are quite important.[/quote]
Hm depends on how much character development you want I suppose. Basically for me it goes like this – Vaselle’s feeling happy about his life. He got over the rejection he got from the brotherhood and the priesthood and doesn’t mind talking to priests anymore. (Make a shorter bar talk scene or at least more interesting – bar fight? bonding experience right there, heh) Vaselle gets hangover and tries to cover for Edwyrd from Jenn (This was boring and how relevant is it? We could just have Jenn be surprised to find Edwyrd where they were. “howd you get here? where’s Rupert?”) Vaselle wants be more useful to his Master and decides to use his skills to make Gate thingies. (This one I think the scene when he thought of it stays in. The trial run scene can be taken out. (or make them have an accident – “Kyaa!” “Er sorry lady, wrong er portal?”
The first time they use it in another scene, just add a short explanation that Vaselle made it and how it worked. ) The other stuff should be ok. [quote=JMX;4076]
I agree that the extra scenes add to the story world. The only gripe I have is it broke up the chapters a lot. It seemed like Some pov would only be two paragraphs. Be nice if there is a way to consolidate the side stories. So there are not quite so many pov changes per chapter. Example Maybe tell all or most of Rupert’s story at one chapter? I don’t know how much that would interfere with the timeline aspect.
[/quote]Yeah, I think that’s gonna be a major issue with some readers. The multiple POVs of so many characters. They’d say the story’s a mess. I understand how it came to be though. Since the story is like going on day by day, and the POV is moving from character to character as it shows what people are doing at a certain time and it keeps getting more complicated as more and more characters seem to be getting introduced. Sometimes I go, who the heck is this person again? Makes it hard to get attached to any of them. Especially since they just keep talking and talking and there was simply no conflict nor excitement at all.
[quote=Lhans;3286]Starts camping out for sign up for beta reader list.[/quote]
[quote=The Author Guy;3815]To sign up for the Apostles of Doom Beta Demon Program click on the following link
[url=http://www.astlan.net/Default.aspx?rsvp=Apostolic&portalid=9]Beta Demonize Me![/url]
First ALPHA copy will be Friday September 2, 2016 in the evening.[/quote]Whew, finally. My provisions almost ran out.
Probably make like a really brief summary of the first part of the book with a cliffhanger sentence at the end like … how will Tom get away from trouble this time? :-k Buy the book and find out!
Tom smiled. “[color=red]So then[/color] ( use “Even so” ), I want to try, however [color=red]futility[/color] ( use “futilely” ), to change a few of his crazy beliefs. Who knows, maybe he can then help convince others in his religion.”
Antefalken nodded as Tom was getting his point. Tom continued his observation, “The mana stream coming from the heavens, or [color=red]where ever[/color] ( use “wherever” ) was extremely purified; possibly flavored you might even say.”
He was getting a very sick feeling from this conversation, beyond the feeling of indigestion and (insert “of”) being too wired ( insert “that” ) he had been dealing with.
