(83.3) Issues
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Yep, the sentences are better. The fierdy thing though would still be confusing I think. I got what you mean after you explained it but people reading it would think its a typo since it’s the first time it was used that way. Heck when I read it I was like, “Hm, new word?”. So like always I checked in Google – which gave me social media links to people named Fierdy.
Then it’s going to get worse…I think in book 1 it came up a couple times at most, it will come up quite a bit in book 2.
Maybe I need to have someone lookup to see where Fierd is in the sky at some point? Or go with something other than sunny or equivalent in this otherwise opaque context.
Most of the later uses, the context is much clearer.
Trisfelt had a passion for “True Crime” stories. [color=red]His passion, however, was being interrupted, something wasn’t quite right, there was a disturbance in one of his wards.[/color] (Bugging me. Maybe “His passion, however, was being interrupted by something not quite right – a disturbance in one of his wards.” ? )
[color=red]As he’d noted, she was full bodied, rather voluptuous Trisfelt thought, [color=black](break into two sentences? running a bit long)[/color] she had brilliant golden hair that he swore almost glowed on its own and seemed to match her beaming eyes and wide smile.[/color]
“I’m Hilda!” The woman introduced herself extending a hand to Trisfelt.
“Uhm, Trisfelt.” Trisfelt said [color=red]after a moment.[/color] ( repetitive, delete. insert “while” ) shaking her hand after a momentary bit of confusion. “What brings you out into the woods at night?”“Uh, yes…it’s been there for a bit now.” Trisfelt said, puzzled but still a bit flustered by her bright and [color=red]fierdy[/color] (? fiery? flirty?) smile.
[quote=Lhans;2148]Trisfelt had a passion for “True Crime” stories. [color=red]His passion, however, was being interrupted, something wasn’t quite right, there was a disturbance in one of his wards.[/color] (Bugging me. Maybe “His passion, however, was being interrupted by something not quite right – a disturbance in one of his wards.” ? ) [/quote]
Hmm, yes, I see what you mean. Hmm. Will play with it.
[quote=Lhans;2148]
[color=red]As he’d noted, she was full bodied, rather voluptuous Trisfelt thought, [color=black](break into two sentences? running a bit long)[/color] she had brilliant golden hair that he swore almost glowed on its own and seemed to match her beaming eyes and wide smile.[/color] [/quote]changed to:
[color=blue]As he’d noted, she was full bodied, rather voluptuous actually Trisfelt thought. She had brilliant golden hair that he swore almost glowed on its own and seemed to match her beaming eyes and wide smile.[/color][quote=Lhans;2148]
“I’m Hilda!” The woman introduced herself extending a hand to Trisfelt.
[color=red]“Uhm, Trisfelt.” Trisfelt said after a moment.[/color] (change period to a comma) [color=red]shaking her hand after a momentary bit of confusion.[/color] “What brings you out into the woods at night?”“Uh, yes…it’s been there for a bit now.” Trisfelt said, puzzled but still a bit flustered by her bright and [color=red]fierdy[/color] (? fiery? flirty?) smile.
[/quote]
fierdy=sunny. The sun is called fierd, Fierd is the name so when the say Fierd, but they also use it like fierdlight etc.
In the first book, most discussion of the sun was done by Tom who called it the sun. Here it’s people that have never used the word sun. Minor weirdness, I know.
Thanks!
How about?
[color=blue]His passion however, was being interrupted; something wasn’t quite right, there was a disturbance in one of his wards.[/color]
It got mentioned twice in book 1? Huh, weird. I somehow missed it even through I read Book 1 from start to finish a few times. Must be in one of the tables/indexes, I mostly skipped those
. Anyways, maybe an early scene where a character mentions Fierd and Tom would go “Huh? What do you mean?”. I think it’s used once or twice by Gastrope’
It is definitely in the appendices about the moons and such.
My problem is I get so used to something, I sort of assume I must have spelled it out before…I am going to run a check and see what I can do to clear this up early on.
I don’t recall seeing it used anywhere around Tom so that could be an easy quick fix, just have someone explain it to him briefly, one paragraph early on and done.
Yeah or just have someone point to the sun.
Actually, when they go to the grove, I think it should be pretty obvious because they are all over Fierd there. But this reference comes way too soon.
There we go.
That’s one of those that I and Word never seem to agree on, or I am paranoid Word will slap me down for.
Those word contractions. One that you will also see listed in the forums is my use of businessorc vs business orc. as opposed to businessman vs business man
Fortunately, handmaiden is very common, so no confusion.
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