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The text blends into the background quite a bit. For example, the A of Apostles has it’s left leg seemingly vanish because of color and location.
I saw this pacing problem coming and its part of why I was hoping to get a synopsis for the main story and the side stories. The problem is that you are aiming for Tom’s big challenge being Nysegard but in reality it is when the gods come knocking. This is throwing off the timing because you are aiming for the wrong thing. Make Nysegard a major part but in the rewrite play up the brewing conflict with Tiernon by building on book 2 and us that focus to help extend the timeline.
Otherwise cut out the journeys of Tal Gor, Fer Rog, and Rupert. Those are parts where tell works better than show.
I didn’t provide these pieces of feedback because I was waiting on the final 20% since they would likely tie in, but seeing as you are doing a re-write + finishing the final 20% I may as well provide them.
– End of bk2 it is revealed that Tizzy has been plotting and pulling strings. No follow up in bk3. Yes Tom has his speculations, but you revealed Tizzy’s machinations to the reader. The big build up at the end of bk2 and it seems forgotten by Tizzy in bk3.
– Rupert’s team and Tal Gor’s advance on the Doomalouges. What’s the point from the perspective of the bk3 main plot? Tal Gor’s team is only there to set off the conflict w/ the alfar. If it missing then perhaps change it so that Tom gets a report they made it and then the Baron arrives. Basically crash Tom’s high from success.
– No follow-up from Baron of Chaos
– The origin of Rupert is touch upon several times in bk1 & 2. Barely (twice) in bk3. Feels forgotten mostly beause Rupert is not as front & center as in bk1 and bk2.
My expectations of the end of Bk3 is NOT win @ Nysegard + cutscene of Baron. That has little to do with the overarching plot of alpha0 that I’ve read. Nysegard is a key component, but it is a plot DEVICE to help with framing Tommus’s and Talarius’s interactions.
My expectation for the end of this book is that Talarius is given a quest by Tom backed by the approval of Bergamos (that guy is politcally savvy and he needs to show it) & Tiernon. Something along that sets up Talarius to be the one correcting the corruption or redeeming Tiernon’s forces. Talarius is still a worshiper of Tiernon but his time in Doom and self-examination helps him to realize that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. He is not at odds with Tiernon, just wants to bring people onto the path of honorable behavior.
Thus Talarius becomes an unofficial Apostle of Doom (we’ve yet to see an apostle of doom) because it was Tommus that charged him with the mission.
Edit: Of course other forces of Tiernon might not see it that way. They may see Talarius as corrupted which sets up a great conflict and thus is what makes it a quest worthy of his own redemption.
Tom’s demon body is currently the same as his human-form body (as opposed to his original human body). If he can’t manifest as a demon on Earth I doubt he could manifest his human-form body.
Wrong mythology. Abyss may be 2 planes below the material plane but it isn’t a negative energy plane and gods aren’t on a positive energy plane. Both beings are full of animus in this part of the multiverse so both are positively charged.
I do not recall anything in the books or lore so far that indicate a yin-yang or other polarity of animus beyond animus/antimus.
Thus far we know:
– Demons and Gods are both animus beings
– Gods have godpools or pantheonpools. Demons do not.
– Godpools cannot be accessed from the Abyss. They can be accessed from the Outer Planes. This is due to the multiversal nature of reality and how planes connect to each other rather than an intrinsic difference between gods and demons.
– A godpool is… not clear yet. Suggested that it is a type of mana pool accessible only to the god in question (encoded/ciphered) and it stores highly refined mana (purifed animus?) gathered from worshipers. How it is formed in unknown, but Mount Doom seems to be an artificial version accessible from the Abyss and across the planes (like a regular godpool).I wanted give some commentary on it’s description of the planes and the thoughts it gave me.
After reading I got the feeling that Abyss is older than the current multiverse. In fact, the whole bit about timelines and the concords made me wonder the following:
1. Is the Abyss the universe that existed prior to the current incarnation?
2. Was time shattered and the multiverse created as reflections of the Abyss (the first bifurcation)?
3. Was the Abyss a lush and fertile place but the forming of the multiverse scarred it and turned it into the hellscape it is today. Or perhaps all the worlds that existed today existed within the Abyss-that-was and the shattered segmented them off and changed reality so it seemed it was always that way.
4. Is Tizzy the last survivor of the old universe? I keep getting Zifnab vibes.Well, I got the impression that the D’Rachnids were the equivalent of driders. Also, if Vulcan has his own and uses them elsewhere then someone else probably brought them to the Abyss and Mount Doom is just employing them.
Edit: I suppose they could have been created by Athena and Arachne was simply the first or most famous.
That raises an interesting idea. Tizzy & Orcus had to experiment to create D’Orcs. A ritual that is basically the same as modern demon binding. So… where did modern demon binding come from? Parallel evolution of the spell or did the D’Orc version form the basis of the modern version? Perhaps a leak by Tizzy as part of a 4000 year plot?
“Tommus, may I introduce my Lord Orcus in his principle form.”
If using principle to mean main then it should principal. If using it to mean most basic, fundamental form then principle. However, given the total dialogue in this scene I believe it is the first.
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Use all sensors to detect D’Orcs coming for us, and raise the shields as soon as you spot anything. In the meantime, we…”
Missing ” at the beginning of the dialogue.
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discuss vs. discus
corn rows vs. cornrows
virtual mortal life –> virtuous mortal life. Actually the Case of the Toxic Spelldump dealth with virtual & virtuous mortal life, but that doesn’t seem to be the case here.
major domo vs majordomo
regathered is forces –> regathered his forces
An orc’s family consists of his or hir immediate family -> His or her unless deliberately using the term hir like with djinn.
In the same scene after the perspective shift when have Vaselle summon Estrebrius so his demonic aura can allow them to understand each other. However there is already a demon present – the D’Warg Schwarzenfürze.
Why doesn’t Schwarzenfürze project a translation aura? It’s implied that the process that binds on to the Abyss is what allows one to translate and not because one was a certain species pre-ascension.
On the Isle of Doom they called the forces of Tiernon manning the citadels the “Shield of Tiernon”. The crew from Astlan is told that is the “Scythe of Tiernon”.
Was there a name change in-universe or is this author error?
Targella is in some ways quite different than other worlds within the multiverse. Oddly, among the majority of races, human, alfar, orc, dwarven, more often than not the societies are matrimonial rather than patrimonial. It is unclear why this would be so widespread, but it is often disturbing to travelers from strong paternalistic cultures.
Shouldn’t this be matriarchal and patriarchal?
