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ßéÅçþ-69454-AD-¥ ç-CXXXIVCLXIX
If that is supposed to be Roman numerals at the end it’s not. If it were CXXXIV-CLXIX I’d accept it, but not combined like that.
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under the covenant established Adam and Eve from whom mortalkind is derived.
Wait, is this implying that Adam and Eve (how does this impact species wth more than one gender?) created mortals across the multiverse? But they would have existed pre-gods since mortals begat gods. Or is this just the Adam and Eve of the local world of the essay writer?
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So in truth, what I just told you were four meta-forces, are actually but two. Each anti-posed aspects of the other. Law/ Chaos and Positive/ Negative as one would expect due to the Laws of Bifurcation; but I digress.
The correct term is antipodal, not anti-posed. Also, by definition if Law is antipodal to Chaos then chaos MUST be antipodal to the other. To be antipodal means to be diametrically opposed. So saying “antipodal aspects of the other” is like saying hot lava.
This is very weak ending to the Mount Doom: DOA + 3, Early Third Period POV of Talarius.
“Talarius sighed, squeezed his eyes tightly shut and rolled onto his side bringing his knees up, pulling the covers over his shoulders trying to bring on a bit more sleep to quiet his brain’s frantic chatter.”
Leading up to this final sentence we establish that he is depressed, he is having a crisis of faith, and he is struggling with the truth. This is a key scene before he goes to Nysegard to discover Ocrus was a Lord of Light there.
And yet… it lacks punch.
I do not get a sense of how bad his depression is and that also means that when it comes time for him to pull himself out of his depression I won’t have a clear idea of how much he struggled and overcame. Instead it would result in somewhat cookie-cutter character. Arrogance -> Humbled -> Learns truth -> Adapts. Okay, nice, I expected that. He still doesn’t feel like a person.
[quote=The Author Guy;3897]Yes, there are lots of short scenes, not sure there are more than before but there are some.
Yes, there is a lot of book, they had to build the melted castle, took them a couple days. There was no melted castle before Lilith gives the instructions to Asmodeus. She told them where to put the place.
[/quote]This is neither a good thing nor a bad thing, but I thought you should know that book 3 felt more like a webnovel than a traditional novel because of the short scenes.
When you write Edwyrd you are using it when he is in his human form. However in this chapter you use Edwyrd several times and give no indication that he in his human form. Given the scenes it is implied that he is demonic and thus all of those Edwyrd references should be changed to Tommus.
[quote]
“Given that as a mortal, you were able to stand side by side a demon prince and a goddess to slay Knights of Chaos, you would probably be a worthy candidate someday for D’Orcing, or demonizing, I guess.” Thrinarv said.[/quote]As amusing as this scene was it doesn’t make sense. They know Talarius is Knight Rampart of Tiernon. Even if he is fighting alongside Tommus wouldn’t they believe that Talarius is still sworn to Tiernon?
If Talarius is sworn to Tiernon why would they think that Tommus would consider D’Orcing him?
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[quote]
Sentir Fallon was enjoying a glass of wine while reading reports from the local archons and prophets when something suddenly seemed off. He could not place it. He set his wine down and began searching among his links and Illumination streams. Dashgar and Inethya! They were gone, gone along with all of Nysegard.[/quote]Did Tiernon immediately notice that his RIGHT HAND AVATAR suddenly went dark? It seemed strange that we didn’t get anything from Tiernon and instead got Sentir Fallon.
I was thinking that of the scenes we have when the links are cut we’ve got: The Saints, then Beragamos, then Sentir Fallon. To up the pressure consider:
– Dropping the Beragamos scene and replacing with Tiernon noticing that his right-hand guy is gone. Then Tiernon traces it and finds the team is gone, but he can still reach Sentir Fallon.
– Have Tiernon — like a good boss — demand a status report from Sentir and a plan on his desk to resolve the situation ASAP.
– Rewrite the Sentir scene as he realizes that he’s now caught between a rock and hard place. Results for Tiernon vs. revelation. Sort of accelerating snarl the problems his plots have created.Okay, then there are some instance where unlife needs to be changed to undead.
– Verigas uses it in Chapter 125
– Talarius uses in Chapter 127. He uses like a title which feels wrong at this point. Maybe later after he’s adjusted to the local life. Actually, why is he able to converse with the locals on Nysegard w/ no problem after a couple thousand years of linguistic drift and no demons nearby?
– Teragdor in Chapter 135. He might use it in conversation, but he also uses it when thinking. The former makes sense, not the latter.
– Melissance in Chapter 138. Kind of iffy on this one. Presumably she has become familiar with the term, but the people she is speaking to are all from Astlan and wouldn’t quite get the difference. Should she use undead or unlife when talking to them?
Also, when it is Unlife vs. unlife a proper noun? Then you say Unlife I feel it should be a brand or product. UnlifeTM, now trademarked by Denubian ChococoffeeTM, your source for LifeTM.
There is a very, very short scene called
“Astlan, Near Mount Orc: Late Fifth Period” that is in between two Rupert scenes. It does not flow well given the interruption it makes.[quote]
He had almost said, when Tom had first taken him hostage before remembering that Stainsberry was there beside him.
[/quote]Stainsberry was in the command center right? So wouldn’t he have heard Tom admit to being the demon that kidnapped Talarius? Isn’t the secret out?
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“Yes?” The Leftenant asked. –> leftenant? Not 100% sure on whether The Leftenant is a proper noun or not.
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[quote]
“What do you want demon?” Hilda demanded. The demon tilted its head, its mouth splitting into a hideous, and deeply terrifying, grin. “Why to be of assistance!”“To be of assistance?” Jacob shouted in shock.
[/quote]Why is a member of the Citadel shocked that demons accompanying Orcus Lord of the Light want to provide help? They wouldn’t be shocked by D’Orcs providing help right? I get why they wouldn’t trust summoned demons because they’d be of the Courts of Chaos and thus less trustworthy, but these are troops brought by Orcus and thus members of Doom.
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“Why to fight by your side, you do understand the stories we shall be able to tell? Heaven and Hell, united to battle the Unlife? This is [color=red]glory[/color]!” The demon laughed. –> glorious
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[quote]
“Do we have a choice?” Praelgeis hissed back. “If we are to salvage this, we need to break out the Doom Busters. The only way to get them here before we are all ashes is to use the Tomb Gate.”
[/quote]“Break out” doesn’t fit the liches. Perhaps “ready”, “release”, or something else. The liches give me this old but somewhat formal / no nonsense attitude. Using “break out” just doesn’t fit them.
[quote]
We are, he is the one that told us how to get around the interdiction via relays. Beragamos said. He says the interdiction was used against him on Etterdam by Sentir Fallon, Lilith and Nét’s avatar Aodh.What? Tiernon [color=red]said[/color].
Yes, shocking, but it may explain a great deal. Beragamos said. Based on what he has said, and what he knew about getting around the interdiction; as well as the word of Darg-Krallnom, I have no reason to doubt him. [color=red][s]Beragamos said.[/s][/color]
[/quote]“said”. Tiernon sounds rather calm upon finding out his avatar is accused of working with Lilith. Perhaps shouted or exclaimed? Maybe growled? Not 100% how he should be feeling, but it isn’t calm.
Also, remove that second “Beragamos said.”
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We will need to discuss this in much more detail when you return. Tiernon said. What do you need in the [color=red]mean time[/color]? –> [color=red]meantime[/color]
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Agreed. Tiernon replied. At the moment all we have is the word of those we have wronged[color=red],[/color] and wronged under his oversight[color=red]. We[/color] need further inquiry[color=red], but at[/color] the same[color=red] time I[/color] cannot risk Sentir Fallon making the situation worse.
Fixed incorrect use of ; vs ,. You had them flipped.
We have the line “By the time we, the Nyjyr Ennead, were fully aware of what was happening and that it was happening on multiple planes at nearly the same time, our mortal forces were already nearly overwhelmed.”
In the context of the conversation it implies that Tierhallon violently drove the Nyjyr Ennead worshippers from multiple planes. Later on we learn that some of their losses were from the Demi-Urge.
However, from Tierhallon’s POV they did this deed only on Astlan.
We go from Chapter 140 The Inferno: Early Fifth Period to Chapter 143 The Inferno: Fourth Period.
During this time it has taken the legal team 3-4 days to review the contract. However, in Chapter 140 there was nothing to indicate that it would take that long to over a couple hundred pages. By the time Chapter 143 came around I was wondering if you had forgotten about the Inferno and crew.
Either we need something to inform the reader that things aren’t going to move forward on them for a while like Alighieri informing them that it would take several days to review the contract or by having a short scene in-between. Given the size constraints of the book I’d lean towards the former.
The appendix implies that god can access godpools from any place that is “attached” to the material planes. However, the Abyss is not attached so the godpools become inaccessible.
The saints do since they are the equivalent of demons and Hilda had that ability in book 2. Apostles probably not unless the have a spell.
