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So, the last time we have a scene with Jenn & Gastrope was Chapter 142: Astlan, Stone Finger Camp: Third Period. Prior to this you’d been building things up with them and they were having more and more pagetime. Then nadda. The timing problem is how early you stopped with them after building them up. This is at ~90% of the way through Alpha 3.
Having them pop-up again in Beta 1 after the wedding scene may be too late. What exactly is the Nimbus doing during the very long Chapters 143-144 and what will it mean for the fight on Nysegard?
Heck, it’s been even longer since Ithagar / Rupert.
Or he just incarnated like Antefalken did. Of course he’d be missing from the Abyss for a hundred years or so, but that is an option. It could also be a Tisdale Jr.
There is a name correction that needs to be done. It is Vosh An-non, Vosh Annon, or Vosh Anon? At first you stick to Vosh An-non, then later it is mostly Vosh Anon. Vosh Annon appears to a few times too in between.
[quote]Sentir closed his eyes, even as Aodh locked his on her stating emphatically. “There is no way he could know. The Dark Apostle blocked off access to Doom for Orcus and his army. You cut the link to the [color=red]Nysegard[/color] Doom, so they could neither use mana, nor return upon death.”
Aodh shook his head and continued. “Sentir slew Orcus permanently and infected the D’Orcs with the Blackness before I even opened the gateway to [color=red]Nysegard[/color] outside the Dark Apostle’s wards. No one, other than our own servants were left alive. There is no way he could know that we used the forces of the Storm Lords to destroy his mortal army.”[/quote]
Is that supposed to be Etterdam instead of Nysegard since that i where Orcus was when he was slain?
Was reading a blog post that talked about IRL the evolution of grimoires: http://www.tfrohock.com/blog/2016/10/9/grimoires-travel-fast
I got to wondering, how would such a thing play out on Astlan. Does it follow D&D-type rules where the type of paper, parchment or other writing surface matter along with the type of ink? Does it even have magical scrolls? I’m trying to recall but I do not think we’ve seen magical scrolls in this localverse.
We know of runic gateways, we know of pentagrams, and both are constructed using specific shapes and specific materials. But what of scrolls and books of magical incantations? Are they just normal books or are they something special?
I completely missed that. I think I’ve read these scenes too many times and my eyes are starting to auto-skip.
open a gateway to [color=red]her[/color].” –> [color=red]here[/color]
“True, but [color=red]I think it good[/color] to make this connection and establish independent links.
–> “True, but I think it [color=red]would be a[/color] good [color=red]idea[/color] to make this connection and establish independent links.
— >“True, but I think it [color=red]is[/color]good to make this connection and establish independent links.Is Estrebrius still with them after all this time (eating dinner presumably some hours later)? They are conversing w/ Damien in universal since there is none of that stilted Trade-speech.
to simply be minding –> to be simply minding
this Restoration of Glory and these plans the orcs had made him a bit nervous. –> that “had made” is awkward. Maybe: “this Restoration of Glory and these plans the orcs were [color=red]making had[/color] him a bit nervous.
Actually saying this aloud made me realize the awkwardness: “He let those who wanted [color=red]to leave go back to Lilith[/color] or run away to somewhere else; those that wanted to [color=red]swear allegiance to him stay[/color] and move in.
Reword: He [color=red]permitted[/color] (more aggressive, shows dominance) those who wanted [color=red]to leave the choice of returningto Lilith[/color] or running away to somewhere else. Those that wanted to [color=red]swear allegiance to him could[/color] stay and move in.
I’ve been thinking on the wedding reveal and how to build up to up when I realized, there wasn’t. If you didn’t know of Orcus IRL then you wouldn’t make the connection to Eris and the reveal become a poorly done insert.
Could you work some allusions to Orcus into the conversation between Tiernon and Torean? When they discuss why Ex. Dagger shouldn’t have killed him you can work in an allusion along the lines of “It couldn’t have worked because of who he is really is.” This is alongside any plans to have Hephaestus dropping hints as to his relationship w/ Orcus. It seems like most of the gods [u]including Bess/Bast[/u] should know of Orcus if they know of the Olympians.
Wouldn’t everyone who knows of the Olympians and Orcus’s heritage also view the killing of Orcus as another bit of that family’s constant drama? Since that hasn’t been worked in then maybe the big reveal should just be dropped until it can be more gracefully woven throughout the book / series. At the very least I’m surprised Beragamos (sp?) didn’t know or inform the other avatars when chatting with them in book2 and book3.
motion to activate her wizard [color=red]site[/color]. –> [color=red]sight[/color]
Alfar or Alvar? Which is used when?
[color=red]un-orc like[/color] –> [color=red]un-orc-like[/color]
except it gets burnt up with the stuff [color=red]in side[/color].” –> [color=red]inside[/color]
comes with the territory [color=red]a[/color] fear.” –> [color=red]I[/color] fear
his [color=red]bloody[/color] supply. –> [color=red]blood[/color]
were not [color=red]infections[/color] –> [color=red]infectious[/color]
“Be [color=red]quite[/color]!” Talarius suddenly shouted –>[color=red] quiet[/color]
rapidly approaching [color=red]visor-ed[/color] knight. –>[color=red] visored[/color] (actual word)
twiddled his eyebrows –> how do you twiddle eyebrows?
“OK, if you know that what is your question.” –> OK, if you know that [color=red]then[/color] what is your question[color=red]?[/color]
rather [color=red]blatent[/color]. –> [color=red]blatant[/color]
evolutionary effect, –> evolutionary benefit
Citadel [color=red]of[/color] Lord Tommus agrees.” –> Citadel [color=red]if[/color] Lord Tommus agrees.
That was the moment Orcus had realized they were cut off from Doom and all the Doomalogues. –> That was the moment [color=red]when[/color] Orcus had realized they were cut off from Doom and all the Doomalogues.
decent kid, most of the [color=red]tie[/color]. –> [color=red]time[/color]
Book 2:
“Who’s Edwyrd?” Reggie asked.
“He’s me— it’s my human form,” Tom said, noting the knight turn to face him.
“So you are the Lord Edwyrd who sank the Oorstemothian ship?” the knight asked.
Tom sighed. “Yes, I was disguised as a human so as not to cause a panic. We were told the Oorstemothians were pirates attacking our ship, and having been hired to defend the ship from pirates, we tried to defend it. But then they nearly killed Rupert— in fact, I thought he was dead— so I sort of took the battle to them and sank their ship.”
Talarius was silent for a moment, thinking. “That makes some sense, but—”
[quote]
Grob nodded, “Indeed, we need to get everyone in. The Shield, Rangers and Sky Wardens have been out all day sweeping the inner regions for anyone still out there. There are still quite a number of groups on the roads. They will also be acting as a shield against the advanced forces, in case any arrive earlier than expected.”“What is the nature of the advanced forces? Will they go to ground with daylight?” Hilda asked.
“That is [color=red]typical[/color], [color=red]typically[/color] the advanced forces are vampires, dhampyrs, ghasts, ghouls and, [color=red]typically[/color], a few specters.” Grob informed her, and the rest of the off worlders. “They [color=red]typically[/color] go to ground relying on the ghasts and ghouls, under the direction of senior dhampyrs to take guard rotations.”
“Do you work to root out these nests?” Timbly asked.
[/quote]Typical is overused here. Reworded to reduce that and to also give a bit more milspeak feel:
[quote]
Grob nodded, “Indeed, we need to get everyone in. The Shield, Rangers and Sky Wardens have been out all day sweeping the inner regions for anyone still out there. There are still quite a number of groups on the roads. They will also be acting as a shield against the advanced forces, in case any arrive earlier than expected.”“What is the nature of the advanced forces? Will they go to ground with daylight?” Hilda asked.
“That is their standard tactic. The advance forces are typically vampires (vampyrs?), dhampyrs, ghasts, ghouls, and sometimes a few specters.” Grob informed her and the rest of the off-worlders. “Normally they go to ground relying on the ghasts and ghouls, under the direction of senior dhampyrs, to take guard rotations.
“Do you work to root out these nests?” Timbly asked.
[/quote]Talarius is very controlled. I expected ranting, raving, shouting, and table flipping with everything that is being laid on him. But… while he has his misgivings he is able to accept the logic rather than be in denial. It’s like kicking someone when they are down by this point in the story. He’s just not active enough in defending his beliefs like in Book 2. Sure, he is coming around, but shouldn’t he be struggling harder to hold onto what he believes it right? I’m trying to recall the exact tipping point where he is assimilating.
He should have snapped like this instead of caving in:
– I can accept your demonic origins yadayda
– I can accept — for the most part — your position as a Lord of Light on Nysegard yadada
– But I’ll be damned before I accept you as a half-brother to my Lord Tiernon!Tizzy: Ah, but you ARE damned. *Rubs hands and cackles evilly* *Hepheastus just shakes his head and grins* *Tom facepalms* *Talarius goes red in the face and shouts back at Tizzy, [u]finally[/u] venting at a demon.*
Would Talarius fall back on prayer to Tiernon even if he knows that he is cutoff in the Abyss? Or praying a lot more during his stint on Nysegard?
So, the Rede scenes manage to bulk up a lot of the chapter and don’t really add to the tension. What I’m seeing in the tension is the Citadel and their setbacks as well as any growing worries. So stuff in-between should be shortened and made into exposition.
Example – I’m not the best of writers 🙂
Grob glanced up from the plans for the Citadel’s defense. The *insert thoughts and worries about the size of the army and their strange movements*. “What is it?” he growled to the aide.
“Sir! Saint Hilda has returned from her patrol with prisoners in tow. 5 former Unlife, now cleansed, and 1 dhampyr.”
“She cleansed the unlife?” Grob’s orcan impassivity slipped for a bit at his aides re-affirmation. After centuries of neglect by Tiernon’s avatars *insert more musing followed up by a rework of the dialogue where he laughs and says “Maybe I need a new saint”*Then later have the interrogation scene as normal, but remove the POV of his father when he asks if they have someone on the inside. Instead let Rede have it slip about the mole and put the Citadel into lockdown as they worryingly search but get nothing. Unless you expect them to be able to find someone before his dad shows up. I figure it could be someone in the refugees who is capable of slipping in when the plot calls for it.
This skips all of Hilda’s fight, remove Rede self-introspection, and father POV. It is good writing, but it slows things down. This speeds this up because in two shorts scenes back-to-back you get the following escalations in rapid order: #1 – Fighting has begun, #2 – Prisoners with intel, #3 – Big bad father, #4 – Security risk, #5 – Worry over what the Unlife forces are planning.
—
Alternatively since I don’t think we’ve had a Grob POV before use someone else that is an established POV and is in a position to overhear or work w/ Grob that isn’t Hilda.
Edit: Basically, to improve pacing and maintain tension this is where telling would be better than showing.
