Alpha3 – Bunch of little things

[The Author Guy]

Yes, it certainly does, only Jon Snow and Dani have any security. And that was tested with Snow.

[The Author Guy]

=d>

That is a bunch.

Starting to work through….

[The Author Guy]

Thanks!

Getting brain fried with writing some “heavy scenes” I am going to work through this thread in the morning.

It’s about time for Lucifer (TV show based on Vertigo comic about Sammael), which, as you can imagine I watch irreligiously.

Interestingly, as much as people referring to the devil as Lucifer/Lucifer Morningstar drives me nuts, as it is completely wrong, a translation error, a missing comma in the bible.

The show actually does correctly identify that Lucifer’s actual name is Sammael in the first season.

Right now his mother is visiting, and it seems he has mommy issues with Mrs God.

Seems oddly relevant to Eris and Orcus.

[The Author Guy]

quote=Iume;4829]motion to activate her wizard [color=red]site[/color]. –> [color=red]sight[/color]

Alfar or Alvar? Which is used when?
[/quote]

Having terrible time with site and sight. Sheesh.

Alfar and alvar work exactly like elf and elven, or they are supposed to. Note that you also sometimes see elfen.

[quote=Iume;4829]
[color=red]un-orc like[/color] –> [color=red]un-orc-like[/color]

except it gets burnt up with the stuff [color=red]in side[/color].” –> [color=red]inside[/color]

comes with the territory [color=red]a[/color] fear.” –> [color=red]I[/color] fear

his [color=red]bloody[/color] supply. –> [color=red]blood[/color]

were not [color=red]infections[/color] –> [color=red]infectious[/color]

“Be [color=red]quite[/color]!” Talarius suddenly shouted –>[color=red] quiet[/color]

rapidly approaching [color=red]visor-ed[/color] knight. –>[color=red] visored[/color] (actual word)

twiddled his eyebrows –> how do you twiddle eyebrows?
[/quote]

Fixed down through visored, a real word that Word does not think is real.

Hmm, does that not make sense? It’s a comic gesture made be vaudevillian commedians. Groucho Marx with his cigar, for example.
Quiclkly alternating raising and lowering one eyebrow and then the other. One goes up, the other goes down, reverse, repeat.

Is there a better word for it? Searching on Google.

[quote=Iume;4829]

“OK, if you know that what is your question.” –> OK, if you know that [color=red]then[/color] what is your question[color=red]?[/color]

rather [color=red]blatent[/color]. –> [color=red]blatant[/color]

evolutionary effect, –> evolutionary benefit

Citadel [color=red]of[/color] Lord Tommus agrees.” –> Citadel [color=red]if[/color] Lord Tommus agrees.

That was the moment Orcus had realized they were cut off from Doom and all the Doomalogues. –> That was the moment [color=red]when[/color] Orcus had realized they were cut off from Doom and all the Doomalogues.

decent kid, most of the [color=red]tie[/color]. –> [color=red]time[/color][/quote]

Fixed! Othere than twiddling which I am researching.

Thanks

[Giwdul]

[Giwdul]

Loving the updates and additions in Alpha3. Sooooo looking forward to the big battle!!!

Here are a bunch of little things I found.

?) = Something off but not sure how to fix it.
M) = Small modification might be in order
S) = Spelling error
P) = Punctuation error
*)Suggested modification

M)Talarius had not known Ruiden could even speak,
*)Talarius had not even known Ruiden could speak,

M)reopened diplomatic relationships with Mount Doom.
*)reopened diplomatic relations with Mount Doom.

M)The fierd did not bother them,
*)The fierd light did not bother them,
*2)Fierd did not bother them,

M)compared the full pomp of the Courts of Princes
*)compared to the full pomp of the Courts of Princes

S)the very air is charged beyond anything I have every experienced
*)the very air is charged beyond anything I have ever experienced

P)“As in an attack.” Valg’s mother asked
*)“As in an attack?” Valg’s mother asked

M)They had a lot inter-plane travel they wanted to do
*)They had a lot of inter-plane travel they wanted to do

M)battles with unlife resorting in significant mana generation
*)battles with unlife resulting in significant mana generation

M)However, that was not a conversation of Barabus to deal with
*)However, that was not a conversation that Barabus had to deal with

M)They both scrunched their faces up, and after a moment the one he did not recognize said. “Yes, I see him!” The orc said; this one’s voice sounded familiar.
*)They both scrunched their faces up, and after a moment the one he did not recognize said. “Yes, I see him!” This one’s voice sounded familiar.

M)the one had seen yesterday in Krallnomton
*)the one he had seen yesterday in Krallnomton

S)orcs or demon orcs.” Herod said shaking
*)orcs or demon orcs.” Heron said shaking

M)as the people starting to chant and dance.
*)as the people started to chant and dance.

?)“Perhaps,” Hilda cautioned, “yet do not discount the amount of mana that the various off plane avatars would have deployed through their Illuminaries, we don’t need to have as many ‘boots on the ground’ so to speak.”
*)This statement from Hilda seems off. She is personaly an expert on Unlife (she should know exactly how effective Illuminaries vs avatars are) and is talking to two VERRY senior avatars with thousands of years of experience in that particular multi-melina war. This statement seems a bit arrogant on Hilda’s part wich seems quite out of character for her.

M)They do what it takes to keep us from expanding, but they have not tried the sort of large scale attacks against us
*)They do what it takes to keep us from expanding, but they have not tried the sort of large scale attacks against us that we saw several thousand years ago.

M)Given that the strength of the Unlife our people are encountering, they
*)Given that the strength of the Unlife our people are encountering has been increasing, they

S)I would aid if I could, be we all know the politics of that
*)I would aid if I could, but we all know the politics of that

M)“A victory he could not win? Inconceivable!”
*)”A battle he could not win? Inconceivable!”
*2)“A victory he did not think he could claim? Inconceivable!”

M)because that would one seriously large mana beacon
*)because that would be one seriously large mana beacon

M)Heavy breathing, muttering along with snarls of low rage came from a clearing
*)Heavy breathing, muttering and snarls of low rage came from a clearing

M)Tamarin was there as was Vaselle, however, showed no sign of realizing he was present. Given that he was technically Dream Walking, although he might have suspected the djinni to notice.
*)Tamarin was there as was Vaselle, however, they showed no sign of realizing he was present. He wasn’t surpprised, given that he was technically Dream Walking, although he might have expected the djinni to notice.

M)“Our order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.
*)“My order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.

M)that is something we learned the aetós,
*)that is something we learned from the aetós,

M)his tusks move with head.
*)his tusks move with his head.

M)training with their respective states
*)training with their respective saints

M)against Sentir Fallon, several of his avatars along
*)against Sentir Fallon, several of his fellow avatars along
*2)against Sentir Fallon, several of his saints along

M)that they befall the same fate
*)that the same fate befall them

S)chair to continue face Tom
*)chair to continue facing Tom

M)in strange world simply proceeded
*)landing in a strange world, he simply proceeded

M)and Tom made no mentioned of it
*)and Tom had made no mention of it

S)Prince Arial
*)Prince Arial is used in several places instead of Prince Ariel

M)These are the words of Lord Tommus as spoken to the demon soldiers whose leader, Lilith the Jilted Bride, abandoned them to their certain defeat
*)These are the words of Lord Tommus as spoken to the commander of the demon soldiers whom Lilith the Jilted Bride abandoned to their certain defeat

M)All attributes I would attribute to an orc.
*)All traits I would attribute to an orc.

M)I guess I am just too taken aback by his play, that I am not putting the pieces together
*)I guess I am just so taken aback by his play, that I am not putting the pieces together

M)“And what might that be?” Antefalken asked.
*)“And what might those questions be?” Antefalken asked.

M)I am simply saying is that there is more
*)I am simply saying that there is more

M)having a bit of a crisis of conscious
*)Is this supposed to be: crisis of concience?

M)There had been a saint and an avatar investigating his abduction?
*)There had been a saint and an archon investigating his abduction?

S)Beragamos Antilles
*)Beragamos Antilles was used several times instead of Beragamos Antidelles as per HH.

M)every direction we have had sent wardens to look
*)every direction that we have sent wardens to look

[The Author Guy]

[quote=Giwdul;4804]Loving the updates and additions in Alpha3. Sooooo looking forward to the big battle!!!

Here are a bunch of little things I found.

?) = Something off but not sure how to fix it.
M) = Small modification might be in order
S) = Spelling error
P) = Punctuation error
*)Suggested modification

M)Talarius had not known Ruiden could even speak,
*)Talarius had not even known Ruiden could speak,

M)reopened diplomatic relationships with Mount Doom.
*)reopened diplomatic relations with Mount Doom.

M)The fierd did not bother them,
*)The fierd light did not bother them,
*2)Fierd did not bother them,

M)compared the full pomp of the Courts of Princes
*)compared to the full pomp of the Courts of Princes

S)the very air is charged beyond anything I have every experienced
*)the very air is charged beyond anything I have ever experienced

P)“As in an attack.” Valg’s mother asked
*)“As in an attack?” Valg’s mother asked

M)They had a lot inter-plane travel they wanted to do
*)They had a lot of inter-plane travel they wanted to do

M)battles with unlife resorting in significant mana generation
*)battles with unlife resulting in significant mana generation

M)However, that was not a conversation of Barabus to deal with
*)However, that was not a conversation that Barabus had to deal with

M)They both scrunched their faces up, and after a moment the one he did not recognize said. “Yes, I see him!” The orc said; this one’s voice sounded familiar.
*)They both scrunched their faces up, and after a moment the one he did not recognize said. “Yes, I see him!” This one’s voice sounded familiar.

M)the one had seen yesterday in Krallnomton
*)the one he had seen yesterday in Krallnomton

S)orcs or demon orcs.” Herod said shaking
*)orcs or demon orcs.” Heron said shaking

M)as the people starting to chant and dance.
*)as the people started to chant and dance.
[/quote]
All fixed thanks!
[quote=Giwdul;4804]
?)“Perhaps,” Hilda cautioned, “yet do not discount the amount of mana that the various off plane avatars would have deployed through their Illuminaries, we don’t need to have as many ‘boots on the ground’ so to speak.”
*)This statement from Hilda seems off. She is personaly an expert on Unlife (she should know exactly how effective Illuminaries vs avatars are) and is talking to two VERRY senior avatars with thousands of years of experience in that particular multi-melina war. This statement seems a bit arrogant on Hilda’s part wich seems quite out of character for her.
[/quote]
Well she’s trying to say that they suppled a lot of mana to a larger number of priests than there were D’Orcs on the ground.

Perhaps, if she said it more humbly and they countered with the effectiveness of saints in combat?
[quote]
“Perhaps,” Hilda cautioned, “yet I am not sure I would discount the amount of mana that the various off plane avatars would have deployed through their Illuminaries. An avatar working through priests can be in many places at once; priests, as proxies can greatly magnify an avatars ability to exert influence.”

Dashgar nodded in agreement. “That is, of course, the argument that has been made by Sentir Fallon”

“And is certainly true on an ongoing basis. However, during major battles, D’Orcs and avatars are far more potent than mortal priests. Also, Orcus had shamans, wizards, and druids, working with him.” Inethya said.

[/quote]

[quote=Giwdul;4804]
M)They do what it takes to keep us from expanding, but they have not tried the sort of large scale attacks against us
*)They do what it takes to keep us from expanding, but they have not tried the sort of large scale attacks against us that we saw several thousand years ago.

M)Given that the strength of the Unlife our people are encountering, they
*)Given that the strength of the Unlife our people are encountering has been increasing, they
[/quote]
Odd how my keyboard is now missing entire sentence fragments that must have been in my head. So obvious when you point it out! Thanks

[quote=Giwdul;4804]
S)I would aid if I could, be we all know the politics of that
*)I would aid if I could, but we all know the politics of that

M)“A victory he could not win? Inconceivable!”
*)”A battle he could not win? Inconceivable!”
*2)“A victory he did not think he could claim? Inconceivable!”
[/quote]
Went with “War he could not win” as it ties out to what Tiernon had just said.

Thanks!
[quote=Giwdul;4804]
M)because that would one seriously large mana beacon
*)because that would be one seriously large mana beacon

M)Heavy breathing, muttering along with snarls of low rage came from a clearing
*)Heavy breathing, muttering and snarls of low rage came from a clearing

M)Tamarin was there as was Vaselle, however, showed no sign of realizing he was present. Given that he was technically Dream Walking, although he might have suspected the djinni to notice.
*)Tamarin was there as was Vaselle, however, they showed no sign of realizing he was present. He wasn’t surpprised, given that he was technically Dream Walking, although he might have expected the djinni to notice.

M)“Our order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.
*)“My order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.
[/quote]

He means Our “Order” like an Order of Knights.
So I think I should capitalize Order to be clear he doesn’t mean that he has been ordered.

Does that work? Or?

[quote=Giwdul;4804]
M)that is something we learned the aetós,
*)that is something we learned from the aetós,

M)his tusks move with head.
*)his tusks move with his head.

M)training with their respective states
*)training with their respective saints

M)against Sentir Fallon, several of his avatars along
*)against Sentir Fallon, several of his fellow avatars along
*2)against Sentir Fallon, several of his saints along

M)that they befall the same fate
*)that the same fate befall them

S)chair to continue face Tom
*)chair to continue facing Tom

M)in strange world simply proceeded
*)landing in a strange world, he simply proceeded

M)and Tom made no mentioned of it
*)and Tom had made no mention of it

S)Prince Arial
*)Prince Arial is used in several places instead of Prince Ariel

M)These are the words of Lord Tommus as spoken to the demon soldiers whose leader, Lilith the Jilted Bride, abandoned them to their certain defeat
*)These are the words of Lord Tommus as spoken to the commander of the demon soldiers whom Lilith the Jilted Bride abandoned to their certain defeat

M)All attributes I would attribute to an orc.
*)All traits I would attribute to an orc.

M)I guess I am just too taken aback by his play, that I am not putting the pieces together
*)I guess I am just so taken aback by his play, that I am not putting the pieces together

M)“And what might that be?” Antefalken asked.
*)“And what might those questions be?” Antefalken asked.

M)I am simply saying is that there is more
*)I am simply saying that there is more

M)having a bit of a crisis of conscious
*)Is this supposed to be: crisis of concience?

M)There had been a saint and an avatar investigating his abduction?
*)There had been a saint and an archon investigating his abduction?

S)Beragamos Antilles
*)Beragamos Antilles was used several times instead of Beragamos Antidelles as per HH.
[/quote]

He even gets his own name wrong in correcting someone else! Ack #-o

[quote=Giwdul;4804]
M)every direction we have had sent wardens to look
*)every direction that we have sent wardens to look

[/quote]

Super thanks! Fixed in document!

[The Author Guy]

Sweet!

You are really good at spotting this stuff. Thanks. Writing at moment, will do edits tomorrow.

[Iume]

motion to activate her wizard [color=red]site[/color]. –> [color=red]sight[/color]

Alfar or Alvar? Which is used when?

[color=red]un-orc like[/color] –> [color=red]un-orc-like[/color]

except it gets burnt up with the stuff [color=red]in side[/color].” –> [color=red]inside[/color]

comes with the territory [color=red]a[/color] fear.” –> [color=red]I[/color] fear

his [color=red]bloody[/color] supply. –> [color=red]blood[/color]

were not [color=red]infections[/color] –> [color=red]infectious[/color]

“Be [color=red]quite[/color]!” Talarius suddenly shouted –>[color=red] quiet[/color]

rapidly approaching [color=red]visor-ed[/color] knight. –>[color=red] visored[/color] (actual word)

twiddled his eyebrows –> how do you twiddle eyebrows?

“OK, if you know that what is your question.” –> OK, if you know that [color=red]then[/color] what is your question[color=red]?[/color]

rather [color=red]blatent[/color]. –> [color=red]blatant[/color]

evolutionary effect, –> evolutionary benefit

Citadel [color=red]of[/color] Lord Tommus agrees.” –> Citadel [color=red]if[/color] Lord Tommus agrees.

That was the moment Orcus had realized they were cut off from Doom and all the Doomalogues. –> That was the moment [color=red]when[/color] Orcus had realized they were cut off from Doom and all the Doomalogues.

decent kid, most of the [color=red]tie[/color]. –> [color=red]time[/color]

[Iume]

open a gateway to [color=red]her[/color].” –> [color=red]here[/color]

“True, but [color=red]I think it good[/color] to make this connection and establish independent links.
–> “True, but I think it [color=red]would be a[/color] good [color=red]idea[/color] to make this connection and establish independent links.
— >“True, but I think it [color=red]is[/color]good to make this connection and establish independent links.

Is Estrebrius still with them after all this time (eating dinner presumably some hours later)? They are conversing w/ Damien in universal since there is none of that stilted Trade-speech.

to simply be minding –> to be simply minding

this Restoration of Glory and these plans the orcs had made him a bit nervous. –> that “had made” is awkward. Maybe: “this Restoration of Glory and these plans the orcs were [color=red]making had[/color] him a bit nervous.

Actually saying this aloud made me realize the awkwardness: “He let those who wanted [color=red]to leave go back to Lilith[/color] or run away to somewhere else; those that wanted to [color=red]swear allegiance to him stay[/color] and move in.

Reword: He [color=red]permitted[/color] (more aggressive, shows dominance) those who wanted [color=red]to leave the choice of returningto Lilith[/color] or running away to somewhere else. Those that wanted to [color=red]swear allegiance to him could[/color] stay and move in.

[Giwdul]

[quote]Thrinarv shrugged, “My people have a more casual relationship with our gods than you humans, or the alfar.” He nodded his head sideways to Stainsberry.
“I actually don’t follow any single god, as you know.” Stainsberry said. “Our order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.”
“So when you die? Where do you spend eternity?” Talarius asked, puzzled.[/quote]
The way this conversation flows, kinda reads like the [h]our[/h] is referring to Thrinarv, Stainsberry and Talarius not the El Ohim.

Maybe something like this:
[quote]
“The El Ohim actually don’t follow any single god, as you know.” Stainsberry said. “Our order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.”[/quote]
Or this:
[quote]
“I actually don’t follow any single god, as you know.” Stainsberry said. “My order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.”[/quote]

Or, maybe I am getting caught up on something that is exactly the way it should be?

[EyeDeKay]

Oh man love the Lucifer tv show. I disagree I think his real name is tisdale. 😉

[Mikey]

Astlan, Stone Finger Camp: Mid-Fifth Period

> “Well, no. Tizzy contacted me and wanted me to open a gate for Tom.” Gastropé

said?

Citadel of Light: Dusk

> Storm Lords advance units were within a day’s march, for the advanced forces

> for the advanced forces

> many of the advanced forces

The advance / advanced distinction might be a bit too fine, given that it’s not the norm in the text.

[quote]Hilda walked over to them, gesturing for them to arise. They both shakenly did, staring at her in awe and wonder. “I’m so sorry for the theatrics.” She shook her head. “I know it’s totally overkill on the pyrotechnics, but it comes with the territory a fear.”[/quote]

I fear?

[quote]“Be quite!” Talarius suddenly shouted staring down at his sword. Apparently the two could communicate telepathically.[/quote]
Quiet?

[quote]“The Gove has set itself up as interlocutor, perhaps we hold them responsible for verification?” Zargvarst said.[/quote]
The Grove or…
[img=http://i.huffpost.com/gen/4234100/thumbs/o-MICHAEL-GOVE-570.jpg?8]Michael Gove[/img]

[quote]However, his primary interest, his son, Rede, was his primary concern.[/quote]
Aaaawkwaaard.

[quote]“I fear my sword and I,” he patted Ruiden resting against his chair, “are having a bit of a crisis of conscious.”[/quote]
Conscience?
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoK3po2rJUQ[/youtube]
Or a mental disgreement with Ruiden? It’s really not clear.

[quote]Well, Logoi is a decent kid, most of the tie.[/quote]
Time? And isn’t Logoi plural? Do you mean Aletheia and/or Pistis?

All in all, really good shit. But you’re introducing [b]a LOT[/b] of characters in this book, and especially at the very end.

[Giwdul]

Hey TAG

I have another list of little stuff.
Should I add it to this topic or create a “Bunch of little things #2” topic?

[The Author Guy]

How about another topic, when a topic gets long it gets easier to miss stuff in the middle

Thanks!

[Author]

Posts