Alpha3 – Bunch of little things
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[quote=Mikey;4862]Astlan, Stone Finger Camp: Mid-Fifth Period
[quote]“I fear my sword and I,” he patted Ruiden resting against his chair, “are having a bit of a crisis of conscious.”[/quote]
Conscience?
[youtube]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZoK3po2rJUQ[/youtube]
Or a mental disgreement with Ruiden? It’s really not clear.[quote]Well, Logoi is a decent kid, most of the tie.[/quote]
Time? And isn’t Logoi plural? Do you mean Aletheia and/or Pistis?All in all, really good shit. But you’re introducing [b]a LOT[/b] of characters in this book, and especially at the very end.[/quote]
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Thanks!
Fixed all of the above as suggested.
My brain is sort of fuzzy but not sure how many “new” characters there really are. Rede and his father are the main new ones I can think of, and they are definitely at the end.
Oh…all of the avatars. ](*,)
Yes. I don’t see those as major characters though, and I am thinking of having an appendix listing who all the avatars are and who they work for.
I really wish Amazon would get their X-Ray crap fixed/straightened out. They killed off the main X-Ray site (forget the name) in favor of goodreads, they were both purchased by amazon, one did X-Ray and the other, goodreads, got readers. Unfortunately the good reads metadata editing does not work properly for characters.
Of course, we also have Krinna, Namora and Hendel showing up in Chapter 143 as well…but they were technically mentioned before hand.
[quote=Iume;4845]open a gateway to [color=red]her[/color].” –> [color=red]here[/color]
Is Estrebrius still with them after all this time (eating dinner presumably some hours later)? They are conversing w/ Damien in universal since there is none of that stilted Trade-speech.
to simply be minding –> to be simply minding
this Restoration of Glory and these plans the orcs had made him a bit nervous. –> that “had made” is awkward. Maybe: “this Restoration of Glory and these plans the orcs were [color=red]making had[/color] him a bit nervous.
[/quote]Yes he is there, I will insert something to make that clear.
Changed to:
Damien looked at the warlock but said nothing. To date, Tom had seemed quite honest, unassuming and to be simply minding his own business; however, this Restoration of Glory the orcs kept talking about made him a bit nervous.
[quote=Iume;4845]Actually saying this aloud made me realize the awkwardness: “He let those who wanted [color=red]to leave go back to Lilith[/color] or run away to somewhere else; those that wanted to [color=red]swear allegiance to him stay[/color] and move in.
Reword: He [color=red]permitted[/color] (more aggressive, shows dominance) those who wanted [color=red]to leave the choice of returningto Lilith[/color] or running away to somewhere else. Those that wanted to [color=red]swear allegiance to him could[/color] stay and move in.[/quote]
[/quote]
Changed to:Vaselle nodded, “Yeah, being demons none were permanently killed during the battle, just severely wounded and not allowed to regenerate at the end. He permitted those who wished return to Lilith or run away completely do so; those that wanted to swear allegiance to him stay and move in.”
[quote=Giwdul;4847][quote]Thrinarv shrugged, “My people have a more casual relationship with our gods than you humans, or the alfar.” He nodded his head sideways to Stainsberry.
“I actually don’t follow any single god, as you know.” Stainsberry said. “Our order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.”
“So when you die? Where do you spend eternity?” Talarius asked, puzzled.[/quote]
The way this conversation flows, kinda reads like the [h]our[/h] is referring to Thrinarv, Stainsberry and Talarius not the El Ohim.Maybe something like this:
[quote]
“The El Ohim actually don’t follow any single god, as you know.” Stainsberry said. “Our order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.”[/quote]
Or this:
[quote]
“I actually don’t follow any single god, as you know.” Stainsberry said. “My order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light.”[/quote]Or, maybe I am getting caught up on something that is exactly the way it should be?[/quote]
This came up in another topic. I “fixed” it by capitalizing Order, as in the Order of the El Ohim.
However, not completely sure that’s correct; could do the my order thing instead if you think that’s better.
[quote=The Author Guy;4869]Yes. I don’t see those as major characters though, and I am thinking of having an appendix listing who all the avatars are and who they work for.[/quote]
But does the reader know, at that point, who is going to be a major character and who’s not?
It’s too bad that you can’t give them red shirts, or something.[quote]Tom sat back on his bed in shock. This was way too insane! He shook his head, and looked again at the painting. He furrowed his brow.[/quote]
Painting? Isn’t it a mirror?
Good catch on mirror.
Yeah it would be nice if I could give out red shirts, or color code people’s names.
Not really sure how to handle it other than to simply charge forward. It’s actually a bit bigger problem with this multiple points of view TV show editing style.
At least with GRRM, you have limited POV characters with their own chapters and you know, by this point, that every single character in the book is wearing a red shirt and to not get too attached. I’m still pissed about Ned Stark 20 years later.
The only real question is, will the character be resurrected in some manner, because ‘all characters die’ is the series motto.
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