Alpha3 – Bunch of little things 2

[The Author Guy]

[quote=Giwdul;4867]Here is a second bunch of little things I found.
Fixed all before this.

M)had gathered for breaking their fast.
*)had gathered for breakfast. (Might want to separate ‘breakfast’ from ‘breaking their fast’ because these are religious/holy persons who probably do real honest to god Fasting)
*2)had gathered to break their fast.
[/quote]
took option 2
[quote=Giwdul;4867]
M)but the father does not infect the mother and is alive through the term
*)but the father does not infect the mother and she is alive through the term

M)to find Talarius in his full armor—which made sense since the sitting room was not as cool as the knight’s bedroom—with his sword leaning against the arm of the chair.
*)to find Talarius slouched (or ‘sitting bolt upright’) in a chair with his sword leaning against the arm rest. he was in his full armor—which made sense since the sitting room was not as cool as the knight’s bedroom.

M)After that they will discuss and discuss it.
*)After that they will discuss it.
*2)After that they will have a few rounds of discussion.
[/quote]
Fixed and changed to:

After that they will engage in endless rounds of discussion along with tedious amounts indecisive whining

[quote=Giwdul;4867]
M)He cannot be a very trustworthy?” Jenn asked.
*)How trustworthy can he be?” Jenn asked.

M)and two apostles to fill them in the first results
*)and two apostles to fill them in on the first results

M)Vampires are tricky to capture, extremely hard to capture and generally resistant to Truth Sight.
*)Vampires are tricky to capture, extremely hard to contain and generally resistant to Truth Sight.

M)Talarius voice boomingly echoed in the vast room.
*)Talarius’ voice boomed, echoing in the vast room.

M)he could atone, cured and resume his life.
*)he could atone, be cured and resume his life.

M)define known forms that we have paintings or statues of to help us remember.
*)define known forms that we have memorized and then have paintings or statues made to help keep them consistent.
*2)define known forms which we then have paintings or statues of to help us remember.[/quote]

How about whole sentence going to:

Edwyrd grinned. “So as a result, I, and others that can do this, establish a set of defined, memorized, forms that we supplement with paintings or statues to help us remember finer details.”

[Giwdul]

I hope I am not going overboard with some of these update ideas.
Let me know.

[The Author Guy]

Yes, there is much more to come including battle scenes, hoping to have all of that done this week.

Ah, the 50 or 17 comment on commas.

Fair point, however, I note that he does “think in commas, clauses and semi-colons” go back to book 1 and all his pontificating.

He is extremely well read (He’s me when I was 17 except with a much better head of hair–I was going bald in HS–still am it’s just a really slow balding process)

That was actually the real point of the book in the first place. I was a “read it all/seen it all” SF/Fantasy nut and I wanted to write something I hadn’t read before with a plot and conclusion that I didn’t know the end of by the first chapter.

Of course, the problem with that “not knowing the end after reading chapter 1” thing? I didn’t know the ending after writing chapter 1. Two edged sword.

Of course, I did know the end after Verigas or so, but then I just had no clue how to get there.

Anyway, will work on that sentence.

[Giwdul]

[Mikey]

[quote=The Author Guy;4882]Edwyrd grinned. “So as a result, I, and others that can do this, establish a set of defined, memorized, forms that we supplement with paintings or statues to help us remember finer details.”[/quote]
Is he 50 or 17?

[EyeDeKay]

Ah well I’m reading bk1 again and I think I found a mistake. Not sure what to do with it actually. Post it or leave it alone no idea what TAG wants.

It was so out of place it just felt like it was glaring at me.

What let me know if this is a mistake in bk1.

So as a refresher ill explain the context of this scene. Talarius had just finished flying around Freehold with his demon spotting mirror and is telling Barabus about the halls being lined with demons.

Oh and the one greater demon and three arch demons.

Anyways so Talirius is talking to barabus’ finishes talking and it says
“the wizard said.” It’s only 2 people so no wizard. Unless barabus is a wizard then never mind.

[EyeDeKay]

I’d say based on the whole “demons are just energy patterns and therefore immortal” from bk1, I’d say they have brains the don’t function for anything because their energy patterns does?

I don’t know, we’ve seen demons being beheaded and moving only being able to move their head.

(Scene where Rupert dismembered a squat kinda far demon in bk1.)

*The demon was guarding Exadors door*

He was only second order so higher level could manipulate their bodies independently of their heads.

[The Author Guy]

you think it’s bad at 50? Try being 500,000…which in fact is something that gets brought up (again) in the immediate aftermath of the wedding party

Given brain plasticity, I am thinking if you don’t learn to shape change as a baby demon, you never will. Of course, there is an open question as to whether demons actually have brains.

Zombies don’t seem to chase demons that much….

[Giwdul]

Looks good.[thumbup]

[The Author Guy]

[quote=Giwdul;4867]
M)Hilda thought to herself as she brushed through his arm,
*)Did she somehow become immaterial and literally go ‘through’ his arm?
*2)Hilda thought to herself as she brushed his arm aside
[/quote]

Option 2!

Thanks

[The Author Guy]

[quote=Giwdul;4867]
?)ghasts, ghosts and yes, dhampyrs.
*)ghosts are undead? I had the impression that they were regular spirits who had not ‘passed on’ for some reason or other. Specters maybe?
[/quote]

You are correct, the word she was supposed to use was ghouls not ghosts.

vampires, vampyrs (greater, lesser)
ghasts, ghouls (greater, lesser)

Thanks for the catch!

[The Author Guy]

[quote=Giwdul;4867]

M)Elrose said going to the tea cart to pour himself a cup of tea
*)Elrose said going to the refreshment cart to pour himself a cup of tea
[/quote]

Fixed everything before this as requested.

One thing that may not be clear is that the tea cart and the “bar cart” are two different carts.

Sort of fixing this by turning the liquor tray into a serving table with the liquor.

How about then saying:

Elrose said going to the wheeled tea cart to pour himself a cup of tea.

It’s a cart that is wheeled in and out for High Tea e.g. Tea, crumpets, refreshments yes, but want people to think High Tea.

Thoughts?

Continuing on through post.

[The Author Guy]

No,

I really appreciate you taking the time. The editor sometimes misses stuff. I’ve found stuff wrong in the edited version of book 2 for example.

The more we can clean up before going to her, the better.

Also, she’s reading at a very technical level and so a lot of contextual things she will miss. I.e. things that are technically correct, but clearly are wrong words within context. E.g. “our order” is something she might not catch, or she might, but it’s hard to say.

The more eyes the better!

Thanks

[Giwdul]

Here is a second bunch of little things I found.

?) = Something off but not sure how to fix it.
M) = Small modification might be in order
S) = Spelling error
P) = Punctuation error
*)Suggested modification

M)But if are a good demon
*)But if you are a good demon

M)or enhanced states being.
*)or enhanced states of being.

S)And when the find him, they will bind him
*)And when they find him, they will bind him

M)He is pure animus on the astral plane which is transferred into the newly created D’Orc form.
*)He is pure animus on the astral plane which is transferred into, and fused with, the newly created D’Orc form.

M)I could probably better understand you better.
*)I could probably understand you better.

M)see their shocked expression.
*)see their shocked expressions.

M)I spent my mortal life combating his many crimes against the orcs, and after my death, I continued to defend our lands from their barbarous incursions.
*)I spent my mortal life combating his many crimes against the orcs, and after my death, I continued to defend our lands from the barbarous incursions of the vile Los Alfar.

M)Jenn blanched at this, as did, of course, Gastropé, but Maelen and Elrose also seemed disturbed.
*)Jenn blanched at this, as did, of course, Gastropé, even Maelen and Elrose seemed quite disturbed.

M)dropping into an overstuff chair
*)dropping into an overstuffed chair

M)Elrose said going to the tea cart to pour himself a cup of tea
*)Elrose said going to the refreshment cart to pour himself a cup of tea

M)sending messengers to broadcast their offer
*)sending messengers to broadcast their threats

M)Things were escalating, the Storm Lords advance units were within a day’s march, for the advanced forces.
*)Things were escalating, the Storm Lords advance units were within a day’s march, for the faster moving troops anyway.

M)including the Teragdor
*)including Teragdor

M)There are still quite a number of groups on the roads. They will also be acting as a shield
*)There are still quite a number of refugee groups on the roads. Our troops/soldiers will also be acting as a shield

?)ghasts, ghosts and yes, dhampyrs.
*)ghosts are undead? I had the impression that they were regular spirits who had not ‘passed on’ for some reason or other. Specters maybe?

M)Like the ones Phaestus and Völund, and several Council members.
*)Like the ones Phaestus and Völund, and several Council members use regularly.

M)store it in library vault
*)store it in the library vault

M)In light of day
*)In the light of day

M)Fortunately, the ground growth was not that bad
*)Fortunately, the under growth was not that bad

M)Holy Sight was fine both in the dark and allowing her to see the animus
*)Holy Sight was fine in the dark and also allowed her to see the animus

M)The boy shouted about ten feet ahead of them and entering a clearing.
*)The boy shouted from about ten feet ahead of them as he entered a clearing.

M)Hilda thought to herself as she brushed through his arm,
*)Did she somehow become immaterial and literally go ‘through’ his arm?
*2)Hilda thought to herself as she brushed his arm aside

M)already at working on her next move.
*)already at work on her next move.

M)you are not very good one
*)you are not a very good one

M)He was a messing eater, slipping blood all over.
*)He was a messy eater, slopping blood all over.

M)struggling vampires popped off from her and fell
*)struggling vampires jerked away from her and fell

M)turned to Jacob and the boy where also huddling on the ground.
*)turned to Jacob and the boy who were also huddling on the ground.

M)but it comes with the territory a fear.
*)but it comes with the territory I fear.

S)their tear streamed faces.
*)their tear streaked faces.

M)I do not know about you guys, I need a Bloody Tatiana
*)I do not know about you guys, but I need a Bloody Tatiana

M)had gathered for breaking their fast.
*)had gathered for breakfast. (Might want to separate ‘breakfast’ from ‘breaking their fast’ because these are religious/holy persons who probably do real honest to god Fasting)
*2)had gathered to break their fast.

M)but the father does not infect the mother and is alive through the term
*)but the father does not infect the mother and she is alive through the term

M)to find Talarius in his full armor—which made sense since the sitting room was not as cool as the knight’s bedroom—with his sword leaning against the arm of the chair.
*)to find Talarius slouched (or ‘sitting bolt upright’) in a chair with his sword leaning against the arm rest. he was in his full armor—which made sense since the sitting room was not as cool as the knight’s bedroom.

M)After that they will discuss and discuss it.
*)After that they will discuss it.
*2)After that they will have a few rounds of discussion.

M)He cannot be a very trustworthy?” Jenn asked.
*)How trustworthy can he be?” Jenn asked.

M)and two apostles to fill them in the first results
*)and two apostles to fill them in on the first results

M)Vampires are tricky to capture, extremely hard to capture and generally resistant to Truth Sight.
*)Vampires are tricky to capture, extremely hard to contain and generally resistant to Truth Sight.

M)Talarius voice boomingly echoed in the vast room.
*)Talarius’ voice boomed, echoing in the vast room.

M)he could atone, cured and resume his life.
*)he could atone, be cured and resume his life.

M)define known forms that we have paintings or statues of to help us remember.
*)define known forms that we have memorized and then have paintings or statues made to help keep them consistent.
*2)define known forms which we then have paintings or statues of to help us remember.

[Iume]

There is a name correction that needs to be done. It is Vosh An-non, Vosh Annon, or Vosh Anon? At first you stick to Vosh An-non, then later it is mostly Vosh Anon. Vosh Annon appears to a few times too in between.

[Author]

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