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The point with multiple stab-wounds/prolonged expose to the knife’s magic may be possible.
Compared to the overall mana available to the god the mana needed for 2.5 miracles is insignificant (from what i gathered a lowly saint can access more mana for a short period). Further we know that Orcus has lots and lots of followers thus the mana should have been enough. Especially if he could steal mana through the links, which is, admittedly, not necessarily possible from what we know so far.
In book 1 chapter 13 Boggy claims that demons regenerate after a fight in the abyss (That dragon story dragons start from scratch while demons start with the biggest part). in book 2 dunno which chapter they claim death in the abyss is a permanent story (excluding rebirth).
You have so many players/pawns introduced and write from their perspective. Thus you have to write repeats. Introducing more players/pawns (and write from their view) will require even more recap of the same event, if the event is a bigger one. Isn’t that the mainproblem in the beginning of the second book that you have to describe a lot of different reactions without any really interesting points?
I agree with Rosver that introducing the other races doesn’t make sense at that point. But you seem to be really adamant to introduce them now.
For the Jenn-Gastropé journey: They get to the warship Nimbus on DoF+1. Nimbus travels with 120 miles per hour that means 2400 miles per day. That’s quite a distance and you could let them arrive at their Bastet related destination on DoF+5 to DoF+8 (Though five is unlikely since the distance was given with thousands of leagues and they make a few stops). Postpone the “fight” with Lilith’s tugs and there should be time for a catchup with Tom. Another option would be that Tom shows Rupert how to make Abyss-gates in their time of great boredom. And then one of them handles the shaman business and the other one interacts with Jenn/Gastropé/Maelen/Trevin.
Then you should mention that they describe the same race, i don’t think you did, but i may be wrong. The thing is we get a translation from universal. Thus shouldn’t we get the already existing terms instead of some new ones? For some reader it may improve the world, for some not, i personally think it’s not worth the effort.
If you are able to describe some of the things you want to describe in a less boring manner and thus be able to cut one or both of the other scenes down it may work. Though you won’t be able to create a particularly good scene, i think.
Tom needs some of his god mana for later purposes.
On an other matter: You could think about cutting down (or out) section 86.0. I think it’s mainly made to convey the fear lesser demons feel for Tom cuz the other demonlords are not of the friendly sort.
search *space*elf. It’s not Tom who refers to them as elves in an inner monologue. e.g. page 304 last line (viewpoint: Jenn or Gas…)
same goes for dwarfs e.g. page 270 last line. (viewpoint: Jenn or Gastropé)
The first 40% percent of the book are somewhat boring, we need a little bit action or drama
1. Lilith could send some goons to apprehend our favourite knight rampant. They could succeed or not. If they succeed Tom could confront Lilith.
2. Jenn is told about Rupert being a demon in disguise.
3. An group of animagi mind reaver want to start a war between Oorstemothian and the Rod in Freehold. Wouldn’t that be fun.
Speaking of animagi: The plural of succubus is succubi and the plural of incubus is incubi. Not succubae.A few of the reaction sections have following sections, in which the reaction sections are discussed in a more private setting. Maybe you can cut those out and add the important content of the reaction sections to the following sections, in which….
I know you want create a feeling of disbelieve, shock and panic. I think it’s enough to say that our favourite trio is freaking out over it and that Lilith is astonished. They are the most powerful and most experienced, it’s almost a given that the Oorstemothian and the Rod will freak out too. So instead of retelling how incredible it is to reverse the dagger, maybe you should just tell us what actions they take. That should be disconcerting enough.
The council giving Exador a chance to prove he’s not a demon is a rather ridiculous occurrence. I mean, if he fooled them for a few thousand generations, why wouldn’t he be able to pass their tests?
Sometimes you wrote Trevyn and sometimes Trevin. They are the same, right?
Trevin’s age comes up later in the book again and is given with over 800.
In that scene we learn that she’s over 1000 years and that the Nyjyr were driven out at that time. I think the second part is more important, but could easily included at other occasions.Concerning the Alvaran-Modgriensofarthgonosefren animosity: Is it important to introduce it yet? Wouldn’t it be better to introduce it when you need it. Maybe in book 3? Do i get it right, when i say the Alvaran are Elves? Because in that case you change terminology at the end of the book.
For introducing the Prince and lesser Elraith lot: I can’t remember any of them. They didn’t do anything important (as far as i can tell). Again wouldn’t it be better to introduce them at a point, in which they do something or are involved in an event that’s in some way important/remarkable, so that it’s more likely to remember them? Maybe other readers see that differently.
Why is it a problem to open a gate to the planes of Man/Orc/whatever without anyone to link to?
In book 1, when Tom intercepted the summoning of the priest, he knew he would end up in Astlan, so finding the plane isn’t the issue. And then it shouldn’t be difficult to wander the plane in that ghostform and create a gate.The Bess thing is a little bit odd, not necessarily wrong, but odd. First she runs around in her ‘official’ goddess form. Why would she take the risk to be linked to her true self?
I think that section is dispensable.
It contains:
[list=1]
[*]They are looking for the missing member
[*]The other occupants of the tent were healed and are under oberservation
[*]Price for Tom’s godly power
[*]The rod has some misconceptions about how demons work
[/list]
None of that is relevant and new/unexpected.But why can he create a gate to a certain point in the abyss without a focus point, but not one to Astlan. What is different?
smw has a point. I am pretty sure one can use x-ray for short character descriptions. For a kindle ereader a return link is not necessary, cause one can use the go back arrow (whatever it is called).I guess there is a similar function in their non kindle programs. (The question is how many ppl do know that.)
