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~(86.3)
[quote]Boggy frowned; this was very clearly frown Talarius thought[/quote]
Should be an “a” between clearly and frown.
~[94A.10]
[quote]If he had to guess, all three were fiends like Tizzy.[/quote]
Only two other demons came through with Tizzy so that should be “both were fiends like Tizzy.”
~(96.2)
[quote]”He is my hostage.” [i]Something true![/i] [h]He will not harm you, nor will you harm him. He is part of my strategy[/h]. He glanced at Talarius,[/quote]
The highlighted portion should be in quotation marks since Tom is talking to the D’Orcs.
~(113.3)
[quote]”[h]Two[/h] what do we owe this honor?”[/quote]
Should be “To what do we owe this honor?”
~(114.3)
[quote]”[h]Two[/h] victory!”[/quote]
Should be “To victory!”
My biggest impression was that there was a lot of conversation and not as much doing as in the first book.
While it allows for information transfer it gives the book a much more passive feel.
[quote=The Author Guy;2547]Here is the last part of 84.0 for now.
Does this work better?
[quote] she was finished. “Which is[h] my [/h]I say the demon tried to grant Talarius mercy; Talarius refused it.” The room once again became pandemonium.[/quote]
[/quote]Should that be “why” or just not there?
The contradiction that Rosver pointed out (as I understand it) is that Hilda just mentions that it was three arch-demons escaping on a flying carpet when those three arch-demons are known. Would not it be rather important that Exador is an arch-demon given his past with the Rod?
So why did Hilda not state who the three arch-demons are? Since Trisfelt would have known from discussion via the Telemirrors) or why/how Trisfelt kept that information from her.[quote=The Author Guy;2529]How about this on the boggled
[quote]His mind boggled at the very idea! [/quote][/quote]
I like this version.
I would suggest taking out the information about the Denubian Choco-Coffee TM. For the casual reader that information doesn’t matter and it is extraneous. The readers who care will already know it from the previous volume.
Unless you were going have a human attempt to take a sip in the next scene and die, I don’t need to know that Exador’s drink is lethal to humans. It is not as if you don’t already know he is a demon.
Beta 2:
[quote] “We are here!” Trevin called out more loudly, apparently having turned to face into the life. “Hethfar will place a ramp with railings between the lift and the deck for us to safely get out; however, I suggest you take his or one of his men’s hands to help you out rather than using the [h]railing.[/h]
[h]They[/h] are very strong.” Trevin said, suddenly much closer to Jenn.[/quote]Should there be quotation marks after “railing.” and before “They”? While from the same person these are two different conversations.
Beta 2:
[quote]Seemed to circulate among the crowd and Zelda stood and looked at him proudly, and [h]he[/h] thought, quite happily.[/quote]Who does the “he” refer to? By the grammar rules I learned (could be wrong) wouldn’t the “he” refer to Zelda? Which does not fit. By context I took it to mean Tom.
Because I seem to always find a way to get myself burned.
If there is a fire trap I always set it off.
Typo:
[quote]Tizzy was nodding, “[h]they[/h] can’t help themselves, they’ve got the equivalent hormones of a fifteen [h]your[/h] old boy, and then some.”[/quote]“they” should be capitalized “They” and maybe insert “really”… “They really can’t help themselves”
“your” should be “year”
Beta 2:
[quote]”You have chosen the wrong [h]battle sword[/h]!” Exador shouted in rage.[/quote]Is there a different “battle sword” to have chosen? I think a “,” should be inserted between “battle” and “sword”.
Beta 2:
[quote]Phaestus grinned back at him. “[h]My me![/h] It has been a long time!”[/quote]Not sure if that should be “My, my!” or if that is just Phaestus’ way of talking.
