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In that case, wouldn’t Lenamore, once he believes that the demon tricked him into binding him, want to spite the demon/Tom by breaking the binding? I mean, the binding is only useful if it could be used to actually control the demon, which he doesn’t believe so anymore. Thus, the binding has no use, and in fact could be a liability, since Lenamore doesn’t know that Tom doesn’t want anything to do with him.
Honestly, I feel like Ruiden probably never talked before. After all, nobody that Talarius knew knew that Ruiden was sentient, and I think Talarius would mention it somewhere, perhaps in a report or in confidence, that his sword could talk.
As for Ruiden’s personality, rather than child-like, I feel like it’s someone intelligent but simple who just had their worldview challenged. He lived all these years as an anti-demon sword, made by the greatest smith and used by the Forces of Good. Now, though, he finds that his maker/father is also friend with demons, that some demons are good, and that he was made in the Abyss. Thinking about him, I feel like he would be trying to leverage his sharp calculations to make sense of this new information, especially when Talarius talks to him and tries to get his input as well. They are actually very similar, even if Ruiden is smarter and less indoctrinated, while Talarius is more charismatic and socially adept. (Though, being more socially adept than a sword shouldn’t be that hard.)
The way it seems to be described in the book so far is that they lost all communications with Nysegard, so they guessed that everyone was dead. I suppose the way it could be explained is that the undead sent suicide agents to get to and destroy all of the communication stones.
However, even with Orcus “dead”, Nyseguard could still maybe get reinforcements from the Abyss via normal summoning. There was some contact back and forth via reviving demons, but then it stopped (?). I mean, maybe all the D’Orc shamans died, and the mortal shamans didn’t want to summon D’Orcs out of fear of being seen as impertinent and then dying? Or maybe the D’Orcs on Nysegard didn’t give the shamans the true names of the D’Orcs in the Abyss because a) they didn’t want it to fail and discover that their friends were dead, b) they didn’t think that they could help anyway, as in they had too much of their own problems, and/or c) they didn’t want mortals gaining such power over the D’Orcs.
I think the easiest way to do this is that, about a thousand years after Orcus “died”, one of the leaders of Nyseguard went to the Abyss and cut off ties, since they didn’t want to burden their embattled cousins in the Abyss and they couldn’t help each other anyway, and keeping in contact was getting too expensive. Then, when Tom appeared, the leaders in the Abyss put off contacting Nysegard because a) if there was something they could do to help Nysegard, they probably would have sent someone by now and b) they might all be dead. It was only when the portal automatically reopened that they sent someone through, since they had the power to move large amounts of troops.
In order to convey this, I think more emotion on the D’Orcs part needs to be conveyed when Nysegard comes up. More wincing, sighing, sad looks, hope, stuff like that. Nysegard, since it is so important, should be a real touchy subject.
Hmm. Well, Tom won’t be doing this anytime soon, as he feels too responsible to strand himself out in the magical boonies, but when he does…
Could he use the portal to walk there, leave his body in some sort of suspended animation, and then incarnate back in the Abyss? Then, when he wants to go home, he can just fill up his body again?
The problem with incarnating there is that there isn’t enough mana. But you can get there via the World Gate. However, the problem with leaving with the World Gate is that Star Gates can’t connect to World Gates. So, either he gets a phone so that he can call and ask someone on the other side to open the World Gate for him, or he incarnates back in the Abyss. The incarnation would probably be a last resort, since if he wanted to leave a body on Earth, he would have to sacrifice a lot of mana.
The purpose of writing is to present a book that you want others to read. The purpose of this Alpha/Beta is for you to get feedback on the draft of your story before you present a final product to the public at large.
So, basically, give us what story you want feedback on. If you want to have this book be about the Doomalagues, Tiernon’s and Orcus’s relationship as the Forces of Good, and beating back the Unliving, then go ahead with that. If you want to switch the focus, then feel free to do that instead.
Basically, take your time and proceed as you want. This is your book and your work. Once you figure out how you want to go, then feel free to provide a new date as to when we can expect a draft to read. Until then, we’ll wait.
Doesn’t the existence of a Garden of Eden, Sammuel, Eve, Adam, and Lilith also imply the existence of a God who created them all, and then kicked Adam and Eve out? I mean, wouldn’t Sammuel’s enemy, the Demi-Urge, who we assume to be the God of Christianity, then be their creator?
Yeah, I think the denial and thought process going on through Tom’s mind was pretty clear, and understandable. It’s for people on the outside, who can see the objective view and have a looser relationship with the “facts”, that we can see that Tom is most likely some version of a reincarnation of Orcus.
Though, there is something else. Most of the “new Orcus” stuff started after he got stabbed with the Dagger of Unlife. If the antimus of the dagger somehow devoured the animus of Orcus, and that was the only actual use the Dagger ever got, then couldn’t some vestige of Orcus have remained in the dagger? Then, when the “blackness” spread into Tom, it carried some parts of Orcus with it? Or reactivated a part of Orcus that was hidden in Tom’s bloodline? After all, Tom’s biological father has been mysteriously absent, so maybe an Incubus friend of Orcus saved some of his “seed” and has been spreading it over the multiverse, hoping that some of it would become an heir to Orcus.
Well, Tom is moving to a more administrative role, rather than a boots on the ground type. It’s also shown that the visit to the library is how he was trying to center himself (though he doesn’t really get a chance to do that), and then he goes to the DoomSpa. So, these are his attempts at relaxing, though not much of it is actually shown. He isn’t really the type to destress by fighting, though he does know martial arts. (The martial training should also be brought up at some point.)
Chapter 131: Mount Doom: DOA +9, Early first period
My main question is, Why doesn’t Tom ask Antefalken for help in learning how to make clothing?
I mean, before, he didn’t ask stuff of Antefalkan because he wanted to appear powerful and whatnot. Now, though, Antefalken knows that Tom is a 16 year old who’s only been a demon for 5 weeks or so, and Antefalken was the one who introduced the topic to Tom. Also, apparently making clothes and doing cosmetic changes is easier than actual shapeshifting, or at least has less stringent mana requirements.
Additionally, why is Tom going straight for this super complicated, multilayered set of robes? Why not underwear, or t-shirt and jeans? He apparently does have 16 years of being a normal kid, right?
Chapter 132: Mount Doom: Early Second Period, is actually when he first seriously tries it. Here, though, he’s just trying it out as a stress relief after the luncheon with the gods, so I guess you could argue that he didn’t want to ask Antefalken at first.
However, the whole shapeshifting thing does bring up some other questions. First, let me state how a demon’s form seems to work, or at least for demons summoned like Tom was:
The thoughts of the summoners and the summoned design the type and physical characteristics of the demon.
The mana in the bindings provide the raw materials to create the framework, or the physical body of the demon.
Then, the demon sleeps in the mana-rich Abyss to fill up the framework with energy.Demons increase in power over time by working to expand or reinforcing their framework to hold more energy, like how Exador’s shadow demon spent millennia become a greater demon.
Thus, by shapeshifting, the demon tries to figure out a different physical framework that can still hold all of their mana. Essentially, they create a second body, then wrap it around their current body, including all the mana and animus.
So, creating clothes and other “material” things would be like thinking of a smaller framework, and then filling it with enough mana to make it solid. However, there needs to be animus holding the thing so no mana seeps out, or the imperfect container naturally lets mana seep out and it needs to be replenished by the user? So when the framework is left alone, away from the maker’s anima/source of mana, the mana inside leaks out and it fades away. Or the anima that is used as the framework unravels without constant attention, and the mana container just collapses.
Anyway, this is just a thought of what shapeshifting and making physical objects using it entails in the Astlan multiverse.
In Chapter 117, in the second section where Damien, Vaselle, Gastrope, Tal Gor, and company are talking around the portal that Tom just went through, they postulate the existence of a Demonic Aura that allows for everyone within a certain radius of a demon to speak Universal. Even assuming that only sentient beings that formerly possess a language can speak it, wouldn’t the fact that everyone around you is suddenly speaking your original language be a big clue that there’s a demon nearby?
Does this aura also surround other beings that speak Universal (like, I’m assuming, saints, gods, avatars)?
Does this aura still exist when a demon is in a non-demon form? For example, is that aura around Rupert when he is in his orc form?
Since this aura exists, is it detectable via magic spells?
Can this aura be turned off, since Demons naturally speak Universal? Can a demon choose to speak Universal in only one language, so as to appear normal? (Tom would speak English, which gets turned into Universal, which then gets turned into Trade?)
What about if the demon is speaking to someone via some long distance method? There are radios in some universes, so does the aura travel over the phone to whomever is on the other side? If not, would a conference call between Tom, Tal Gor, and Gastrope require Tom to translate what Tal Gor and Gastrope say?
If this aura does exist only with physical proximity, if Tom opened up portals from him to everywhere in Astlan, each of which is only 1 millimeter large, thereby having him technically being near everywhere at once, would everyone suddenly be able to understand everyone else?
Does this aura still remain on dead demon flesh? If someone carved up Tom’s arm and transported it somewhere else, would the people around the arm be able to speak Universal? Could it be made so that such a thing happens? (I’m assuming that this is all translater spells do, but it would probably be easier to inscribe the spell upon the flesh of a creature that speaks Universal.)
Chapter 118
Djinnistan interlude, starting page 26, seems entirely out of place. It does add slightly to the tension that Talarius’s remark and Phaestus’s subsequent laughter, but aside from that, it interrupts the scene with very little to add. Additionally, it goes straight back to that scene, so the suspense is resolved practically immediately. I think it would be better to move it, and just let the scene flow without interruption.Chapter 124
Include some sort of introduction or sense of location. The beginning of this chapter refers to a place that was only seen once, briefly, with characters that also had very little impact. It took me a while to realize and be certain that these were the two Knights Gallant that were in the O country. Maybe switch the first two segments of the chapter, leading with the identifiable long-windedness of the O country, then leading to the mysterious two Knights Gallant?Chapter 129
Tom’s first usage of Vaselle’s magical link isn’t shown. We assume that it works; however, it isn’t stated until Vaselle uses it to get to Doom quite a few chapters later. The question of whether or not the link actually works for Tom was a source of tension for me that did not seem to serve any purpose.——
There seems to be a lot of tension that never really gets resolved. First off, the Lords of Chaos are going to attack Lilith and Tom for knowing their weakness and killing them. Then Beragamor’s fame as a “Voyager” seems to be an annoyance that may snowball, but doesn’t. Exador seems to be following leads about Tizzy and Antefalken, but then he disappears for the rest of the book. Then there’s the connection between Vaselle, first warlock of Tommus, and Teragdor, Apostle of Tiernon that doesn’t seem to go anywhere and doesn’t seem to have any short term impact. They didn’t even exchange contact information, or whatever the equivalent is in Astlan. The AI appears for three seconds and is never seen again. Tom’s visit with the Egyptian gods (especially Osiris) is played up, but turns out to be fairly small and relaxed.
Additionally, it seems like some characters are just bounced around or in a holding pattern for the entire book. Damien, Antefalken, Boggy, Lenamore/Jehenna, everyone on the Nimbus, Fer-Rog and Rupert… These people show up for a scene, travel or talk, and then the story goes back to the people who are actually doing something. I don’t think that these people need more stuff to do, just that the stuff they are seen doing should be more important. For example, if the Nimbus actually gets in contact with any alvan force via mirror or something. Or if Fer-Rog/Rupert get to where they’re going and restart the mountain. Antefalken might finish any ballad or independently provide information for Tom. Damien, Lenamore, and Jehenna should probably fix something in Freehold, make some obvious changes in preparation for Exador’s reprisal.
As for the stuff I like, I really enjoy Tom’s worries, both about whether he is good enough, if Orcus is encroaching upon him, and for his people. Pretty much all of the scenes with Tom in them are good, as they advance some plot point, provide information, give insight into people’s characters and decisions, and basically accomplish stuff.
I also like how you deal with Reggie, Tal Rog and Vaselle in their mini-arcs. Reggie becomes more powerful as an incubus, as well as deepens his relations with the people of this new world (aka his mistress). Tal Rog becomes more powerful and proficient as a shaman, while sharing a lot of the feelings that Tom has and providing Tom someone to teach magic. Vaselle also becomes more self assured, if increasingly fanatic, as well as demonstrates his new abilities.
The little interludes, for the most part, are pretty nice, as it shows the parallels in how each group is advancing. Everyone is heading to Nyseguard, for example, or figuring out about Sentir Falon’s various betrayals and Orcus’s righteousness.
Also, how the theme of rest and immortal existentialism goes on throughout the book is also interesting, and nice to see progressing towards the ultimate conclusion.
If we can get it sooner, I’m all for it! If the first three quarters are ready for perusal and review, then I don’t see much harm in letting it out sooner. For those who want to read it all in one go, they can wait until the rest of it comes out.
In other words, “still kicking” please!
[quote=The Author Guy;4065]Yes, the monkey monk will be able to help him greatly when/if he shows up.
I assume people know who the monkey monk is? Singkûn? (the phonetic spelling)
I did get hit at some point, some where, about my focus on western deities. Although I’d say Singkûn is more of a semi-deity. He is well known to be an immortal, so good enough for me.
I sort of envision the Rod of Tommus as being like Singkûn’s Rod or Thor’s Hammer, very heavy for non-owners.
[/quote]To be fair, Asian mythos have a lot of different emphasis than European mythos. More ancestral worship, emperor veneration, and animistic spirits rather than pantheons and gods. Additionally, their scriptures are more like philosophies than religions, more useful rather than inspiring. Also, they weren’t as big on conversion as Christianity or the Greek/Romans.
I certainly got the reference to the Monkey.
As for the Rod of Tommus, does it use geomantic force to resist the hold of anyone else other than Tom?
As for the monkey, I just reread that the person who sold the weed to Reggie was smoking it in a pipe.
