2015-04-17 at 01:04 #4110
I get into these conversations and while writing them, I know, but I don’t always detail and then later, even I have no idea.
This was probably the biggest “comment” item that the editor had in book 1. Lots of this sort of thing.2015-10-17 at 01:10 #4111
Yeah, actually several awkwardness in this one I missed.
Here is the new section
[quote]Arch-Diocate Iskerus was in shock as was Arch-Vicar General Barabus. Barabus was staring at the spot where a flaming hole in the ground had opened up and swallowed the greatest knight of Tiernon into the Abyss. The only thing Barabus appeared capable of doing was to blink repeatedly.
Arch-Diocate Iskerus, on the other hand, was staring at a point a few feet away, where a Holy, albeit very dark, artifact of his god had been, apparently, repurposed. He reached down to hold his hand over it, feeling its aura. He had only ever examined the dagger once before and even though he had sensed his god’s presence in it, the darkness in it had terrified him. Now that darkness was gone, and in fact, he felt the normal radiance of a healing artifact of Tiernon. It was as if the blade had been reversed.
Reversed by a demon. A demon! Iskerus shuddered all the way down to the roots of his soul. How could this be? It was not possible. His mind boggled. He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder; a priest, he could not remember the man’s name.
“Arch-Diocate, what should we do with the high priests who have collapsed, and Verigas?” Someone asked.
“Take them to a quarantine tent; give them all the healing we safely can, but ensure every precaution is taken; apply every purification you can find or imagine to them. I’ll provide more instructions later.”
“And the Rod members who were also possessed?” The same someone asked Iskerus
“The same, different tent; disarm them, remove their armor and station guards.” Barabus said walking over. The Vicar General extended his hand to Iskerus.
Iskerus took it, getting up slowly, suddenly feeling far older than his current age.
“Any thoughts?” Barabus asked as he led the Arch-Diocate back to his tent. The Arch-Diocate gestured for a nearby high priest to secure the dagger.
“Not yet. I’m numb.” That was the only word Iskarus could come up with.
“As am I, but I’m slowly waking, we need to put on a very brave face for the troops, and the junior priests. A lot of faith has been shaken today; we must work to restore it.” Iskerus nodded in agreement. “For now, we must put aside our own doubts, fears, insecurities and not think too deeply upon our own questions. We must think of the souls in our care.”
“Agreed. So which of us gets to report this to the Supreme Temple?” Iskerus asked.
Barabus chuckled, “I hope that’s as far as this goes; I pray, but I am not convinced.”[/quote]2020-06-02 at 15:18 #12052020-06-02 at 15:21 #4108
The POV for this scene is Iskerus, but the way the text starts implies this POV is Barabus. I was confused by the shift to Iskerus mid-scene and had to re-read it.2020-06-02 at 15:21 #4109CrispyMouseMember
From Beta 2:
Who is the question “And the Rod members who were also possessed?” directed to? By the flow it appears to be Iskerus but Barabus answers.
Also Barabus’ response “The same, different tent;” is confusing but a very human way of answering the question.2020-06-02 at 15:21 #4112RosverMember
[quote]Reversed by a demon. A demon! Iskerus shuddered all the way down to the roots of his soul. How could this be? It was not possible. [color=green]His mind boggled.[/color] He felt a gentle touch on his shoulder; a priest, he could not remember the man’s name.[/quote]
I think “His mind was boggled” would be better?
[quote]“The same, different tent; disarm them, [color=green]remove their armor and station guards[/color].” Barabus said walking over. The Vicar General extended his hand to Iskerus.[/quote]
Confusing phrasing. Not a big deal but does Barabus means to remove the guards? That is what I get when I first read it.2020-06-02 at 15:21 #4113
I am going to reread the boggled I know it’s a different way of saying it, and I was sort of going for “shock” value in this situation where people use terse/shortened phraseology.
The same is true for the tent sentence.
It’s not a form you would normally ever read, but it is what people say. So in someways it may be the punctuation that is wrong/misleading.
The first question to Iskerus was about the priests, Iskerus answered.
The same soldier then asked about the Rod members, he asked Iskerus; but technically they report to Barabus.
So Barabus interrupted saying
[quote]“The same, different tent; disarm them, remove their armor and station guards.” [/quote]
(Do) The same (for them),(but put them in a) different tent (and) disarm them, (also) remove their armor and station guards (on the tent)
Barabus, like Iskerus is in combat mode, shell shocked (almost literally) and really focused on other matters at the moment. He doesn’t have or want to spend any more time on this issue than is absolutely necessary.
It’s a very clipped way of speaking which would be completely understood by a soldier in a tense situation when spoken. It’s just not what we see written. And even so, I can see with the full form where my punctuation is wrong.2020-06-02 at 15:21 #4114
PS the shock I was going for was not the reader, implying the Iskerus and Barabus are in shock.2020-06-02 at 15:21 #4115
How about this on the boggled
[quote]His mind boggled at the very idea! [/quote]2020-06-02 at 15:21 #4116CrispyMouseMember
[quote=The Author Guy;2529]How about this on the boggled
[quote]His mind boggled at the very idea! [/quote][/quote]
I like this version.
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