Fixing Bigger Issues

That certain blue genie would have been less esoteric, especially when this book is aimed for younger audiences. I was not able to get the reference until Anskier mention it. All I get was getting confused to who she may be. I think, you need to give more detail than the very vague clue that was in the book, like actualy giving the title of the show.

While you struggle to get all in, you did manage to get in a lot of nothing. Sorry my awful mouth. The adventure of J and G is not really an adventure than a step by step travelogue which have almost zero relevance to the whole story. There is also that Hilda-vs-Beggars scene, while give some insight about Hilda, has absolutely nothing to do with the whole story (yet).

As for Zelda… I always had thought her, and most D’Orcs, minor. You can give her more relevance if you like, though that is making your list of focal characters more numerous.

Well I loved reading it and looking for mistakes. Great book, and a good continuation of the first one. But I’m going to guess and say book 3 is not the ending to this series so the cliff hangers should be saved for the end of the series if you want to do something in that universe or for the ending of the second to last book. Still loved the stories.

Hello.

Well this is the first time that I post here, so first of all I have to thank the author for sharing this amazing work with all of us, It has been a pleasure to read this books so far, so I want help to improve this work so it becomes the legendary story that it deserves to be, for this reason I will share my opinion of several things on Book II.

First and the most important thing the plot: this book is divided in several character groups, each and each one has their own story so I will talk about each one of them:

Tom and Co.: Obviously the most important one because it is the core of this story, and again I really like how this story was planned and also how it was developed, during all this side of the story you could keep me entertained, this is great per se but I believe that it is so good that sometimes it overshadows the other sides of the story, I found myself tempted several times to jump the other segments to only read what happen next to Tom and the others, so that means that this segment is done right but the others need to be improved, I will talk about them latter.

Now even If I know that this books are one big story, I believe that each book need a sense of beginning, middle and end, in this case I believe that is done right, specially the ending, THAT ENDING, in my humble opinion that ending is great… in fact is fantastic, I really liked the feeling that you give us that something is finishing to make way to book III and the revelation that you put at the ending was outstanding, I as the reader passed from a : NO that is prosperous, to a: Wait, Is it posible? to a big: OH MY GOD! it is true; something perfect to start the book III.

The only thing that I believe to get better in this part are the development of other characters that are not Tom, for example Talarius, Rupert or even Reggie, sure we know them but for example I don’t know how much Talarius change at the end of the Book, maybe have a little conversations between characters to show us to show us how they change through the entire book.

Jen and Gastrope: Here is where I feel that is the biggest problem in this book, this story has a sense of begining, is lacking a sense of a middle and doesn’t have a sense of ending, I know that their story is not finished, but I can summarize this story as a simple travel from point A to point B where almost nothing happens, in fact what really suprised me (and not the good surprise) is that Jen and Gastrope didn’t interact with Tom or Rupert in the entire book; that means that in this case you need to give us something that can compete with Tom’s story, otherwise the readers will feel that this is only a filler and will want avoid them and jump to the next segment, something that is never good, In this case I believe that it is necessary to add some conflict or simple cut this part and only mention where are going Jen and Gastrope and include it completely in Book III to make room to something else .

Hilda and Co. Well I’m not sure about this part of the story, definitely is better than Jen and Gastrope add some elements and some developments in the characters, in short I believe it has a sense og beggining, is lacking a sense of sa middle but it has a sense of ending when Tiernon called her. I believe that this part is good but needs a little more conflict because even if it is good its lacking compared to Tom’s story having the same problem as Jen’s story, I was temped to jump this segments in favor of read Tom’s story, otherwise a good job showing how a good spy works

Djinns: The thing here is that is so little and appart that I almost don’t remember any of the characters also at the end doesn’t have a big impact in this book, in my Humble opinion, what you need to do here is simple, make a simple segment here explaining what you need, it could be at the ending and then expand something else important in this book, it is obvious that they will have a big role in the future but it is not something that it is in this book so I believe that it is better that you leave it to develop in book III.

Exodor, Bess and Ramses: Here we have a good Beginning a middle but I feel that is lacking somewhat and ending, I said this because I don’t have clear in how this characters end in this book, good development with Bess is something I have to congratulate you.

Some minor changes is that this books lacks introspections, something that I really liked not only from Tom but also for other characters, it will be good to see some of them specially from new characters like Reggie or some Tom’s Commanders.
For now I will leave this here, I will reread the book and then I will comment if I have more suggestions

Thank you for you time reading this.

Well I agree with what everyone here are saying, not all characters are introspective, but in Tom’s situation works great because he is trying to hide his vulnerability so he won’t talk to anyone about it, he will try just to cope and endure whatever is thrown at him in silence, introspection are the best way of showing us that weakness, so for me they are a must in the book, however everything in excess is bad so remember that the trick is balance that introspective moments with the narrative.