Book 1 Blurb
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[quote]Turns Out: The “Demon Weed” actually IS a Gateway Drug![/quote]
Replace the words “Gateway Drug” with a reference to how it takes you straight to the deepest Abyss, and it’s a completely different frame for what follows.While the gateway part is a fine [i]pune, or a play on words[/i], as Pratchett put it, only the author can ever make that connection, since it’s not likely that the reader will ever go back to this blurb after having read past the part mentioning gateways, and the words “gateway drug” are never mentioned again, nor is there any reference to addiction.
What do people think about this new version:
[quote]
[color=blue]Turns Out: The “Demon Weed” actually IS a gateway!A gateway to hell! Literally. Not a metaphor. Now, technically, the place was called “The Abyss” but it was, unequivocally, a street preacher’s vision of hell.
And Tom Perkinje, transfer student to Harding High was now trapped in the Abyss after inhaling a grand total of two times. Oh, yeah, he was also a twelve-foot tall demon with hooves, bat-wings, horns, tail, full deal!
Now, as if that wasn’t bad enough, he was also enslaved, against his will, to a group of myopic wizards that had not only mistaken him for a demon on the Astral Plane; but who had bound him to his current demonic form and left him stranded in the Abyss to await their bidding.
He really wished he had not let his new friend Reggie talk him into trying the stupid drug.
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Jenn was a journeyman Thaumaturge at Lenamare’s Academy of Wizardry. School was a living hell. Oh, she was learning a lot, thanks to Master Trisfelt, but the Head Master and Head Mistress were insufferable egomaniacs. Head Mistress Jehenna seemed bent on making Jenn miserable with her unrealistic demands and eviscerating criticism.
If this was not bad enough, the Head Master, Lenamare, had gone and gotten in a squabble with another wizard, Exador, and now Exador was marching his army on the school.
And to top it off, during what was supposed to be a routine classroom demonstration on demon summoning, Lenamare and the class had stumbled upon what they had thought was a minor demon and tried to bind it.
Unfortunately, it was definitely NOT a minor demon. It was a Greater Demon, something so powerful and Evil that they were almost never conjured onto the Planes of Man. Naturally being Lenamare, The Head Master had insisted on trying to bind it to his will so he could use it to destroy Exador and his army.
So the question was: Would Exador’s army ravage and kill her, or would the school’s newest defense consume her immortal soul? [/color]
[/quote]OK
Lots of people dislike and were turned off by the Book 1 blurb. Some people who finally gave in and bought the book despite the blurb and loved the books said the Book 1 blurb was off putting.
Having trouble finding out what was off putting, other than it seems very clunky, even to me.
I know some people were put off by the “drug” thing. So I’ve tried to finesse that with alternatives I’ve never used, and not been real thrilled.
However, as the reader eventually learns, “Demon Weed” is not marijuana, it’s a play on the old timey “the demon weed” drug scares and the fact that it’s the stuff that makes demons possible.
So I’d really like to leave that phrase in the blurb somewhere because I think it’s important as distinct from regular pot, which is what Tom thinks he is smoking.
So suggestions for cleaning it up? The long form version too on Amazon.
Open to alternative blurbs if people want to try something.
Same is true for the Heavenly Host blurb (but use a different Topic, e.g. Book 2 Blurb)
[quote]A gateway to hell! Literally. Not a metaphor. Now, technically, the place was called “The Abyss” but it was, unequivocally, a street preacher’s vision of hell.[/quote]
… vision of the Inferno? That way you don’t repeat “hell” in the same paragraph.[quote]School was a living hell.[/quote]
Since you meant to transition to a different perspective, and not describe another character as an omniscient narrator, you might give a hint that “To her…” or something like that?A gateway to hell! Literally. Not a metaphor. Now, technically, the place was called “The Abyss” but it was, unequivocally, a street preacher’s vision of damnation
A gateway to hell! Literally. Not a metaphor. Now, technically, the place was called “The Abyss;” but with the scorching heat, exploding balls of flame, insane geography and tormented residents it was downright biblical.
A gateway to hell! Literally. Not a metaphor. It wasn’t called that, the demons there called it “The Abyss;” however, with the scorching heat, exploding balls of flame, insane geography and tormented residents, the place was downright biblical.
Yes, that does get to the heart of the matter.
Although it took me a few moments to realize you didn’t actually want me to say that it was a street preacher’s version of the inside of a plant stem.
> A gateway to hell! Literally. Not a metaphor. Now, technically, the place was called “The Abyss” but it was, unequivocally, a street preacher’s vision of damnation
Go with pith. You want to hook a browser.
I have a lot of trouble writing short stories…
So the question is; is this suggested blurb, with possible variations, better than the current one?
Yeah, apparently not.
I note that Scott Adams (Dilbert author) was very adamant throughout the election that Trump was the master of a/b testing. He’d toss stuff out to see what worked, if people responded he followed that path, if they did not, he dropped the issue/meme.
That will make for a interesting foreign policy. I get the sense that various world leaders don’t appreciate the President of the US a/b testing them on things like invading countries, leaving NATO, using nukes, allying with Putin.
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