Alpha2 – Bunch of little things
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The Society members’ – and Trevin’s – reaction to Edwyrd’s new robes should give Jenn food for thought.
Got addressed in the conversation between Jenn and Gastope, when they talked about what Gastrope meeting Tal Gor. Gastope also called Tom Lord Tommus in that conversation.
I think I am going to hold off until near the end of the week for next Alpha because I want to get more into the update. More stuff to chew on basically.
How about something like this…
Tom shook his head looking at the bulky vacuum thermos mug in his right hand. With it’s button triggered flip lid and pop up straw, it reminded him of something that could by the astronauts on the ISS.
[quote]”Really good magineering, I’d suspect.” Thrinarv said taking another drink of his ale. “Should have ordered sooner, getting pretty dry in here.” He eyeballed the bottom of his mug skeptically.
He means his mug is getting dry inside. The here is the bottom of the mug he is eyeballing.
Suggestions to rephrase more clearly?[/quote]
Current phrasing has Thrinarv making a comment about his drink and [u]then[/u] looking in his mug. Maybe try switching it around:
“Really good magineering, I’d suspect.” Thrinarv said taking another drink of his ale. He then eyeballed the bottom of his mug skeptically. “Should have ordered sooner, getting pretty dry in here.”
[quote=Giwdul;4638][quote]”Really good magineering, I’d suspect.” Thrinarv said taking another drink of his ale. “Should have ordered sooner, getting pretty dry in here.” He eyeballed the bottom of his mug skeptically.
He means his mug is getting dry inside. The here is the bottom of the mug he is eyeballing.
Suggestions to rephrase more clearly?[/quote]
Current phrasing has Thrinarv making a comment about his drink and [u]then[/u] looking in his mug. Maybe try switching it around:
“Really good magineering, I’d suspect.” Thrinarv said taking another drink of his ale. He then eyeballed the bottom of his mug skeptically. “Should have ordered sooner, getting pretty dry in here.”
[/quote]
“Really good magineering, I’d suspect.” Thrinarv said bringing his mug up for a drink. After drinking, he lowered and tilted the mug, eyeballing the inside skeptically, “should have ordered sooner, getting pretty dry in here.”
Loving the updates and additions in Alpha2.
Here are a bunch of little things I found.
?) = Something off but not sure how to fix it.
M) = Small modification might be in order
S) = Spelling error
*)Suggested modification?)bulky metal container with a sealed straw on with a trigger to open once in ones mouth, within his hand
*)Seems offM)How would have gotten Tizzy’s true name
*)How would he have gotten Tizzy’s true nameM)It was like had finally grokked the whole demon business
*)It was like he had finally grokked the whole demon businessM)“Elrose means forces, being from outside the natural world
*)“Elrose means forces, beings, from outside the natural worldb(meaning: supernatural Forces and Beings)M)Elrose said, still seeming a bit shook
*)Elrose said, still seeming a bit shakenM)You’ve were talking to the D’Orcs since Murgatroy?
*)You’ve been talking to the D’Orcs since Murgatroy?M)She waved her hands over her head again in bewilderment
*)She threw her hands up again in bewildermentM)Gastropé gulped, realizing he was in a very precarious state.
*)Gastropé gulped, realizing he was in a very precarious position/situation/spot.M)Jenn asked Gastropé in what he felt a slightly threatening manner
*)Jenn asked Gastropé in what he felt was a slightly threatening mannerM)Didar An Sep also noted
*)Didar An Sep also nodded?)“Imagine my surprise to find that my dear old friend Thrinarv Gottslieb, high priest of Hephaestus?”
*)surprised by what exactly?))Our order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of Light
*)My order is faithful to and respects all the Gods of LightS)the were not common
*)they were not commonS)Thrinarv said talking another drink
*)Thrinarv said taking another drinkM)Should have ordered sooner, getting pretty dry in here.
*)Should have ordered sooner, getting pretty dry over here.M)trying to explain her relationship towards Lenamare’s demon was something she could not explain to herself, let alone a group of strange orcs and D’Orcs.
*)her relationship towards Lanamare’s demon was something she could not explain to herself, let alone a group of strange orcs and D’Orcs.?)While Edwyrd was surprisingly skilled, he did have Rupert’s trust, but like Gastropé he was young and inexperienced.
*)Seems offS)after the finished their supper.
*)after they finished their supper.M)that the alvar remove all of their forces from their territory is more than reasonable
*)that the alvar remove all of their forces from orc territory is more than reasonable?)we learned from local alvar and very specifically the aetós.
*)Sounds like the aetós are an alvaran sub-species.[quote=Giwdul;4639][quote][quote]?)While Edwyrd was surprisingly skilled, he did have Rupert’s trust, but like Gastropé he was young and inexperienced.
*)Seems off
[/quote]
Yes, I can feel it. She is suprised at how skilled he is given his age.
[/quote]
[quote]She was not sure who she was more upset with, Gastropé, Edwyrd, Damien or herself for being blind to these shenanigans. While Edwyrd was surprisingly skilled, he did have Rupert’s trust, but like Gastropé he was young and inexperienced. Damien, a Councilor of Wizardry should have had more common sense than to continue any sort of cooperation with the demon Tom.[/quote]Here is a rewrite of the paragraph. Hope you like it.
She was not sure who she was more upset with, Gastropé, Edwyrd, Damien or herself for being blind to these shenanigans. Probably Edward. While Edward was surprisingly skilled, he was, like Gastrope, still young and inexperienced. Taking a little kid like Rupert plane hoping with what now turned out to be a demon prince was stupidity on a scale that she could hardly even comprehend. And as for Damien, a Councilor of Wizardry should have had more common sense than to continue any sort of cooperation with the demon Tom[/quote]
Looks good, small edit I think? I believe this is correct semi-colon.
She was not sure who she was more upset with, Gastropé, Edwyrd, Damien or herself for being blind to these shenanigans. Probably Edward: while surprisingly skilled, he was, like Gastrope, still young and inexperienced. Taking a little kid like Rupert plane hoping with what now turned out to be a demon prince was stupidity on a scale that she could barely even comprehend. And as for Damien, a Councilor of Wizardry should have had more common sense than to continue any sort of cooperation with the demon Tom.
Are you referencing that “he speaketh with forked tongue” meme from old westerns?
But yes, I seem to recall he does. Assuming that it is extra nimble (like his tail) he could probably explore his teeth quite well. Might not even need a tooth pick.
[quote=The Author Guy;4641]
She was not sure who she was more upset with, Gastropé, Edwyrd, Damien or herself for being blind to these shenanigans. Probably Edward: while surprisingly skilled, he was, like Gastrope,[color=blue] still young and inexperienced[/color]. Taking a little kid like Rupert plane hoping with what now turned out to be a demon prince was stupidity on a scale that she could barely even comprehend. And as for Damien, a Councilor of Wizardry should have had more common sense than to continue any sort of cooperation with the demon Tom.[/quote]I’m still having problems with the “still young and inexperienced” part…..when Jenn is thinking of Edwyard. 8-[
I’m fairly certain that Maelen had convinced or explained to Jenn how Edwyard was older and quite skilled and well trained in bk1. Chapter 63.
[quote]“What!” Jenn screeched. “All that nonsense for this garbage! How do you expect us to believe that! Edwyrd is Rupert’s cousin. There is no way Edwyrd could be old enough to be Rupert’s father. You’re crazy, demon!”
Gastropé felt almost the same way.
Maelen, on the other hand, was looking thoughtful, stroking his chin.
Tizzy just looked at Jenn, smiling, not caring what she believed.
“Hold off, Jenn,” Maelen admonished her. “It may not be impossible. I’d really been wondering how anyone so young could be as well trained and skilled as Edwyrd. Now it makes more sense. “
“How can it make more sense?” Jenn demanded, incredulously.
“Well, simple. He’s a lot older than he looks,” Maelen stated as if were the most natural thing in the world.
“Well obviously! That explains it!” Jenn said sarcastically. “Nobody looks that much younger!”
“Really, Jenn? It’s not that hard for a powerful wizard or animage to slow the aging process, or even reverse it. How old do you think I am?” Maelen asked.
Jenn just shook her head. “I don’t know! Sixty, sixty-five.”
“I started healing people over seventy-five years ago. When I was only a little younger than you.”
Gastropé and Jenn both looked at him in surprise. “You’re saying you are like ninety?” Gastropé asked. He couldn’t believe it.
“Ninety-two next quarter month, to be exact,” Maelen declared. “So you see, it’s not impossible that Edwyrd could be in his thirties or forties, or even older. He’s just good enough that either he doesn’t age, or he can make himself younger. It would certainly not be inconsistent with the other things I’ve seen him do. He could even just shape change himself younger.”
“I guess,” Gastropé admitted, “that you could be right. After all, I know of a lot of wizards that are over a hundred. Human ones. Elves or dwarves would certainly be that old.”
Jenn looked rather defeated. “Yeah, I just find it hard to believe. You don’t think of people that powerful tramping around in the woods, being hunted by religious fanatics. That’s for us little people to do. People like that are the Lenamares or Jehennas. Always in charge, always in control, running things from a comfortable position.”
“Well, whatever the case, they’ll have some explaining to do when they get back,” Gastropé stated. “By the way, how are they getting back?”[/quote]Just a thought – if you want Jenn to think that Edwyard is young and inexperienced – maybe through in a line or two about how she just can’t accept Maelen’s idea that Edwyard is older
[quote=GameGraphix;4695]That’s better…
Does Jenn know that Tom is a Demon Prince at this stage??? I’m trying to read back through – but haven’t been able to find the timing of that revelation yet.
EDIT: Just re-read the relevant sections in Chapter 140. Jenn knows that Tom is more powerful then a Greater Demon and that the D’Orcs now call him Lord Tommus. Also that he has taken over Mount Doom and had a battle with Lilith….but she doesn’t seem to have made the connection that Tom is now a Demon Prince….you might need to tweek some of the conversation between Jenn and Gastrope to highlight the change of status of Tom in Jenn’s mind in the “Astlan, Stone Finger Camp: Mid-Fifth Period” scene.[/quote]
This still needs to be addressed in before Beta1
I need to come back to digest all of this–to many other fires today to do it justice.
however–Jenn should not have been in any group where Tizzy said Rupert was Tom’s son.
That would have given Jenn the idea that Rupert was a half demon. That would be a bad thing for much of my logic, in book 1,2,3 ack ack ack
[quote=Giwdul;4590]
?)While Edwyrd was surprisingly skilled, he did have Rupert’s trust, but like Gastropé he was young and inexperienced.
*)Seems off[/quote]
Agreed….in bk1, Jenn was part of the group conversation where Tizzy told the group that Rupert was Tom’s son (this was after traversing the Abyss to Freehold, when Tom had to go looking for Rupert in the Abyss) …..and Maelen agreed that Tom could be a lot older then he appears to be…..
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