[quote]“This is very inconvenient.” Exador complained as they sat around a smaller table in a smaller, cozier chamber of Ramses’ palace. One of the servants had brought them cups of Denubian Choco-Coffee TM, [color=green]the extremely caffeinated beverage with a great mocha taste at 132 degrees centigrade. Among other affects, it was quite intoxicating to demons. Completely lethal to humans, even if served chilled, meaning any temperature below the boiling point of water. [/color][/quote]
Constant repetition of information is tedious.
Dialogue here is a bit awkward. Mostly in the form of “as you know, Bob” dialogue. Like this one:
[quote]“Or when you kidnap one of their highest ranking, most ‘Graced’ agents on the plane and haul him off to the Abyss?” Bess asked.[/quote]
Yes on repetition…here is the thinking and I may be wrong…
If you have read the book as intended (continuously as one long book) or have read the first one many times, then this is annoying overkill.
However, if this really is a “Book 2” instead of “Volume II” (which most people will treat it as) and you haven’t read in 6 months, a year or longer than this is “refresher information” it’s part of bringing readers back up to speed.
It is actually something that I have seen in numerous later books, near the beginning of the books, you sort or restate stuff that would be obviously if you were “binge watching”
It is sort of a literary “previously on” without being so in your face.
I am trying to re-comfort readers back into my universe who have been absent for some time.
TV series (in particular soap operas/telanovelas) do this sort of thing a lot for the casual viewer.
Netflix original series almost never do anything like this as they assume you are binge watching.
So the question that comes up with something like this: Do I leave it in as a reminder to casual readers, or do I take it out as an annoyance to dedicated rereaders?
Is the second quote/issue about “awkward sentence structure” or more of the “you are repeating who Talarius is and what just happened 10 minutes ago”
I would suggest taking out the information about the Denubian Choco-Coffee TM. For the casual reader that information doesn’t matter and it is extraneous. The readers who care will already know it from the previous volume.
Unless you were going have a human attempt to take a sip in the next scene and die, I don’t need to know that Exador’s drink is lethal to humans. It is not as if you don’t already know he is a demon.