Some Flow Issues and Initial Impression

Chapter 118
Djinnistan interlude, starting page 26, seems entirely out of place. It does add slightly to the tension that Talarius’s remark and Phaestus’s subsequent laughter, but aside from that, it interrupts the scene with very little to add. Additionally, it goes straight back to that scene, so the suspense is resolved practically immediately. I think it would be better to move it, and just let the scene flow without interruption.

Chapter 124
Include some sort of introduction or sense of location. The beginning of this chapter refers to a place that was only seen once, briefly, with characters that also had very little impact. It took me a while to realize and be certain that these were the two Knights Gallant that were in the O country. Maybe switch the first two segments of the chapter, leading with the identifiable long-windedness of the O country, then leading to the mysterious two Knights Gallant?

Chapter 129
Tom’s first usage of Vaselle’s magical link isn’t shown. We assume that it works; however, it isn’t stated until Vaselle uses it to get to Doom quite a few chapters later. The question of whether or not the link actually works for Tom was a source of tension for me that did not seem to serve any purpose.

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There seems to be a lot of tension that never really gets resolved. First off, the Lords of Chaos are going to attack Lilith and Tom for knowing their weakness and killing them. Then Beragamor’s fame as a “Voyager” seems to be an annoyance that may snowball, but doesn’t. Exador seems to be following leads about Tizzy and Antefalken, but then he disappears for the rest of the book. Then there’s the connection between Vaselle, first warlock of Tommus, and Teragdor, Apostle of Tiernon that doesn’t seem to go anywhere and doesn’t seem to have any short term impact. They didn’t even exchange contact information, or whatever the equivalent is in Astlan. The AI appears for three seconds and is never seen again. Tom’s visit with the Egyptian gods (especially Osiris) is played up, but turns out to be fairly small and relaxed.

Additionally, it seems like some characters are just bounced around or in a holding pattern for the entire book. Damien, Antefalken, Boggy, Lenamore/Jehenna, everyone on the Nimbus, Fer-Rog and Rupert… These people show up for a scene, travel or talk, and then the story goes back to the people who are actually doing something. I don’t think that these people need more stuff to do, just that the stuff they are seen doing should be more important. For example, if the Nimbus actually gets in contact with any alvan force via mirror or something. Or if Fer-Rog/Rupert get to where they’re going and restart the mountain. Antefalken might finish any ballad or independently provide information for Tom. Damien, Lenamore, and Jehenna should probably fix something in Freehold, make some obvious changes in preparation for Exador’s reprisal.

As for the stuff I like, I really enjoy Tom’s worries, both about whether he is good enough, if Orcus is encroaching upon him, and for his people. Pretty much all of the scenes with Tom in them are good, as they advance some plot point, provide information, give insight into people’s characters and decisions, and basically accomplish stuff.

I also like how you deal with Reggie, Tal Rog and Vaselle in their mini-arcs. Reggie becomes more powerful as an incubus, as well as deepens his relations with the people of this new world (aka his mistress). Tal Rog becomes more powerful and proficient as a shaman, while sharing a lot of the feelings that Tom has and providing Tom someone to teach magic. Vaselle also becomes more self assured, if increasingly fanatic, as well as demonstrates his new abilities.

The little interludes, for the most part, are pretty nice, as it shows the parallels in how each group is advancing. Everyone is heading to Nyseguard, for example, or figuring out about Sentir Falon’s various betrayals and Orcus’s righteousness.

Also, how the theme of rest and immortal existentialism goes on throughout the book is also interesting, and nice to see progressing towards the ultimate conclusion.